Living Life, Grief, and Change

This has been a hard week.  Dusty's Uncle Dwain died early Monday morning.  As with any death, it has been difficult but this one especially so.  Dusty spent a lot of time with this incredible man.

I searched and searched and I can not find a photo of the two of them together over the last fifteen  years.  That is how long I have know this family.  Fifteen years.  And It is and with forever be the "stories" that keep people and places alive.  It will forever be the stories that we must continue to tell.  

Who was the man?  To me he was the man who always did.  Why can't I find but only 4 pictures of him in 15 years?  Because he was NEVER still.  He was always moving and doing.  He saw something that needed to be done and he did it,  a trash bag that needed to be emptied,  a hay ride that needed to be pulled, a guest that needed to be welcomed.  He was never still.  The only pictures I have are the ones that are of him eating.  This makes me laugh.  This is one of my favorite of the four I found because it also shows a subtle part of his personality.  He LOVED to laugh and play jokes.  I have an old tractor disk (I think) on my front porch from one of the first times when I went to the farm by myself.  He said "Amy,  Dusty needs this.  Can you get it to him for me?"  I having no clue what it was or who Dwain really was at the time said yes.  And now,  15 plus years later I still have it.  No matter how many "junk" days come by we still keep it because it was that silly gift and it reminds me of who he is.  The funny thing,  Dusty does the SAME thing.  Anyone new that comes to the house walks away with "something" because someone needed or wanted it.  It makes me smile.  

And then as I look through pictures and think of stories I think of how much my kids don't know.  And why?  Because I have not taken the time to tell them. I need to take the time to tell them stories of the family as well as stories of the LORD.  

 "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. 6 These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. 7 Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Deuternony 6:5-7 

 I miss the "old" days, the days gone by, the days gone past.  I miss those times of hanging out at the farm.  I miss the summer of "laser tag" with the cousins.  I miss the 4th of July's.  I miss the Christmases all together. I know that life is an ebb and flow. I know that is what God set it up to be.  He shows us this with the seasons.  The seasons change.  The people who are prominent in our lives change.   The boys of harvest grow up and have kids and jobs and homes of their own and they are no longer "boys of harvest".  But they always will be.  But it is my job to make sure those "stories" get told.  It is my job to document those little moments that I don't want to forget. It is my job to make sure that those moments are the ones that count so that years from now,  I, we, they, can look at the moments and see that in everything we lived a life worthy of the Lord.  And that we LIVED truly lived life.  And that the life that we lived was not just us but that others were there for the journey.  That those that went with us had names, faces and stories.  The names, faces, and places may change but we were not alone in this journey of life.  

so that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, 

Colossians 1:10

Goals for my kids

We have been reading Sheparding a Child's heart.  This week we read about the goals we have while raising our children.  I never really thought about it in those terms before.  I think up until this point my "goal" in raising my kids has been this.  I want my children to know God and get through childhood with as few "scars" as possible.  I guess that is not really one of the best goals.  I think this will be my new goal. 
2 Timothy 1:5  I have been reminded of your sincere faith, which first lived in your grandmother Lois and in your mother Eunice, and I am persuaded, now lives in you also. 
That really boils down to the goals that I have for my children.  I want the to KNOW God. To trust him.  To have a faith that can not be swade. Do I want them to be respectful, obedient, successful, loving, kind, smart (in problem solving and logic not necessarily in 4.0 GPA)?  Of course but I think that above all else, I want them to have a faith that will get them through life.  I want them to know that in God is comfort. I want them to know that in God is strength.  I want them to know that in God is life!
What are your goals for your kids?

10 Reasons

I was reminded this evening that without the stories my children have given me I would probably lead a VERY boring life.  I do think that is true, so in honor of my spunky kids...
10 Reasons I love Charlie
1.  She loves to be girly.  (Drives me crazy but I love to give her special little gifts that I know she will love.)
2.   She sees magic and wonder in EVERY LITTLE detail of the world, like Florida having straight tall trees.
3. She LOVES God and isn't afraid to let everyone know who he is and what he has done for them.
4.  She more than not points me to Christ reminding me that I am missing something but does it in a manner that really isn't rude and disrespectful but honest. 
5.  She has the BEST laugh.
6.  She loves to do special things for others to let them know that she loves them.
7.  She listens.  I mean really listens to what you are saying.
8.  She loves stories.  Not the ones found in books but the other ones, the oral ones about life. 
9.  She really takes to heart correction. She has such a repentant heart.
10.  She is mine!  All mine. She is creative, fisty, friendly, and I just LOVE her to pieces.

10 Reasons I love Brantley
1.  He LOVES life. 
2.  He loves to help (pick up toys, do dishes, sweep, mop, laundry.  He is going to make a great husband someday.)
3.  He says "Hey mom, I love you."  As he dashes out the door.  I am praying that I get random "Hey mom I love you" calls when he is an adult.
4.  He LOVES his sister.
5.  He loves to laugh.
6.  He sings EVERYTHING!  He knows the words to every song no matter if he has heard it   a 100 times or 1 time and ALL styles of music.
7. He says " I am going to put this in my music bucket mom." about anything that makes a sound.  He loves to bang things together or move them just so to get a sound out of them.
8. He just likes to be with the ones he loves.  To the point of suffocation at times, but, I love that he loves me!
9.  He likes to play the "I don't love you game." Which when he first began playing it I had no idea.  He says "I don't love you."  I say "That's okay, I love you enough for both of us."  He giggles, then he says "Now you say it."  I tell him "I am not going to tell you that I do not love you.  I don't every want you to think that it might be true."  He laughs and says "Yep you love me nuf for boff of us."
10.  He is mine!  And as I am writing this I got to thinking yes, he is all fast and loud and doesn't seem to know how to slow down.  I should have gotten some kind of warning from that while I was pregnant. Any time something with a beat (music) came on he would begin to turn summer saults.  His delivery was 3 hours start to stop.  He came before the bed was prepped.  He came before the doctor was in the hospital.  He came in just enough time for the nurse to catch him as she came in the door.  Why would I not think that he would live his life hard and fast. 

The Hair Cut

 All kids cut their hair.  I know this.  Charlie is now on cut number 4.  This time she cut B's hair.  She got it good.  We are going to have to buzz it again before the end of summer to get it back to where it needs to be.  B does not look like himself with a buzz cut. 

All kids cut their hair.

Mammaw and Pappaw

We went to visit my dad and stepmom. They are such a blessing to me, a great reminder of God's wonderful love and forgiveness. I met my dad when I was 14. He married my step mom (Isn't she just beautiful!) when I was 18. We had a wonderful visit. We went swimming and hung out at their house. We met Grandma Flo (dad's mom) the a local incredible pizza to celebrate the kids "Happy Day" since we were not going to see them for their birthdays. We had a great time.

pets

This is for my Studio Calico friends b/c I could not figure out how to post a picture on feed.
Here is our pets:
Fezzik the spider
Twinkles and Kisskerts

Short shorts the dog and Long pants the dog (yes, they are stuffed but we walk them every day.)

DT for faithsisters--Grandmother Flo

This one actually needs a lot of explanation b/c it is kind of an odd title for a "grandparents" heritage page.

So, here goes tmi --
My mother and father never married. As an adult I realize that this was for a good reason. I met my real father when I was 15 (and his whole family). The thanksgiving that I met them my grand mother (dad's mom) introduced me to her mother (3 weeks away from death of alzhelmers) as a friend of the family. She also gave me a curling iron with a $.50 garage sale ticket on it when my cousins (2 older and 2 youger) got car speakers, a computer, a karakoe machine, and a ninetdo. I was very hurt. I held onto this anger for many, many years. Now fast-forward, I have a decent relationship with my dad now. We talk. We visit. I will never have a "father/daughter" relationship like I do with my father-in-law but I would say that we have a good relationship. Now, I am a new mother. My daughter Charlie is nine months old. We go to visit my dad so that he can meet his granddaughter. He decides (without asking) that we would have dinner in a restaurant with his family so that they could meet her as well. I was not okay with this. I did not want my children to ever meet his family (well really his mom) b/c I did not want to ever feel unwanted the way I did.

We had the meeting. I had a meltdown in the car on the way back to my dad's. My wonderfully preceptive step-mom encourage me to ask my dad any and all questions that I had about what had happened when /before I was born. So we talked. When I got home from my trip I spent 3 hours on the phone with my mother (the most incredible woman I have ever met) who told me that it all happened 28 years ago and it was old news and didn't matter but that she would tell me what she remembered.

I found out at this point that my parents had been engaged but that my grandmother flo had broken them up (from both mom& dad's precpective). In April of that year I sat down and wrote a note to Flo. It turned out 6 pages front and back. I told her how hurt I was and that I was going to begin to pray that God would help me to forgive her for things that she may or may not have known that had hurt me. (Before this note, If I said or heard her name anger would boil inside me). I wrote the note knowing that this was one note I would never send. (she was 80 something. she was not going to change and she was a very bitter old woman).

Fast-forward some more. I have now had a second child. It is again spring break this time I receive a call from that incredible step-mom of mine. Grandma Flo would like to come to my house for a visit. Would it be okay if they came to see me and stayed in a hotel? (they being my mom, dad, and grandmother Flo) Holy cow was I ready for this? I said yes, they came, it was a good visit.

Now, A year later, I document all of this. The white paper (hidden journaling) is that original letter. Handwritten and tear stained. In the circle is the definition of forgive that means the most to this situation "to cease to feel resentment against." The verse Genesis 50:17 "This is what you are to say to Joseph: I ask you to forgive your brothers the sins and the wrongs they committed in treating you so badly."

The journaling that can be seen was written and dated this week "For years I held resentment toward my grandmother Flo. I was angry with the way that she treated my mother. I was angry with the story of her telling my mother to leave when she took me to see my dad @ six months. These were stories from Grams and Aunt Brenda (never my mother). Still I had anger. In 2006 my dad set up a meeting for his family to meet Charlie. This turned out to be a good thing even though it tailspined me into depression. I came home talked to both my parents and wrote a letter to Flo. I never sent the letter. Instead, I prayer. And God help me to forgive. The forgiveness if for me and not her. In 2009 she visited my home."

This is one of those not so pretty stories that I have to scrapbook about b/c it shows what an amazing God I have! I want my kids to know these kinds of stories.

If you took the time to read (sorry for the long post). Thanks. I hope that it blesses you as much as God has blessed me through the situation.

Cousin's party

My father in law with B. He sure loves his marshmallows!

I just love these pictures of Charlie. W has a hayride with bon fire, hot dogs, apple cider, hot chocolate, chili, and smores every year for his birthday. We love this party. It is such a great time to spend running around with the cousins.

I can't get over how small B is especially against the tracker tires. W's parents don't want him to have any more "toys". I don't know if they have found a way to be successful at this or not. Every year on Charlie and Brantley's invitations we ask for no presents and every year everyone brings them. W's invitations had this request as well (a first), but they said that if you must bring something bring a hat and gloves for the Rethread project. What a great idea! I think next year I will choose a charity that gives school supplies since the kids birthday's are so close to back to school.

Missing Family

We had a great time with my sister and her boyfriend Chase. As you can see we played pretty hard. B is out cold. We took all of B's old stuff (cradle, clothes and many other baby things) to Tonya. She is due to have my nephew two days after B's 1st birthday. She is going to be a great mom. Chase will make a great dad also. They were very patient with my kiddos messing up their beautiful home.
Here is B in his seat. He did not like it too much by hour 16 of our trip home.
Thank you technology. Charlie was great on the trip. She had a MP3 player with 12 books on tape, she had a DVD player w/ an assortment of movies. She had a back pack with books, notebook, and crayons. She also had a leapster. She was so good on the trip.
I really hate that I only see my family once or twice a year. Here is me with my sister and my mom. We had a great visit. I just wish that they lived closer.

A little more lonely

Growing up in a military home for 10 years I was use to moving every three years. I was use to not having family close. So when my mom moved to Florida the middle of my senior year and I moved to Oklahoma for college I thought that I could handle not being near family. Most days I am fine. Today is not one of those. I want to be with my brother in North Carolina. I want to be with my mom in Florida. Instead, I am just a little more lonely than I would like to be. Friends, please pray for my sister-in-law Nancy.

Cousin'ing

I read that word in an kids article years ago and it has just stuck. Cousining--action verb--The act of playing/spending time with your cousins. I would have to say that is Charlie's favorite thing to do. Cousining--The act of playing with your cousins. At any particular time t cousining he cousins do not have to be similar or enjoy similar things to enjoy. I thought that was interesting. The article also talked about how it didn't matter how long goes between the time that two cousins see each other it is always instant friends for that moment in time even if they would not be friends if they were not cousins. We say two of the three Browning boys Wednesday Night. Brantley was so incredibly sweet with Cale. Cale was crying. Brantley crawls over to him and starts rubbing his head. He leaned down and slobbered on his head. (In baby language that is it's okay, how about a kiss.)
Now Charlie on the other hand, she and Gant wouldn't eat dinner. Who can be bothered with eating when there are grand adventures to go on? The two of them played out in the front yard for 3 1/2 hours. When I showed up after 2 1/2 hours Charlie told me to go home she wasn't ready to go yet. Now if that doesn't sound like a good dose of cousining I don't know what is.

Randy (David), Nancy & Alex

Here is my brother and his family (and my sister too). Randy goes by David now. I don't know that I will ever be able to call him that. But Charlie and Brantley do. Anyway Randy married this great girl Nancy last October. We were blessed to also get a Nephew/cousin in the deal. Randy adopted Alex and he is ours. Alex is about a year older than Charlie. They have had a pretty rough marriage since it has almost been a bi-coastal one. Nancy is in the Army and was stationed in AZ. She is now stationed in NC at a base about 3 hours away from where Randy is stationed. Alex has been in TX with his grandmother.
I am so glad that they are finally in the same state. I don't know how they did it. It will get difficult again in April when Nancy heads to Afghanistan. I am very thankful for the jobs that Nancy and Randy do (Army & Marines). I am very thankful and blessed that they are serving to protect my family. I pray for them often even though I do not get to see them as often as I would like. My SIL is one of the bravest and most beautiful women I have never met. Maybe one day we will be blessed with the opportunity to see each other in person instead of just conversing on the computer or the phone.
Here is Randy and Alex at the beach at mom's house. Can I tell you that I so can not wait for June when we head to mom's for the pirate festival they have in Fort Walton Beach. It is just so beautiful in Florida where mom lives.

Tonya and Chase & baby boy

This, my dear friends, is my BEAUTIFUL sister Tonya (aka TEE-TEE-TAA-TAA). And can I tell you that I am so stinking excited for her and Chase (hopefully I will one day get a picture of the two of them together). They are expecting a baby boy in Aug. August 20th to be exact. He will be a year and two days younger than Brantley. Anyway, I am so excited for them.

Here he is...Now I wonder if Tonya will kill me for this when I see her in June. Isn't she just the cutest thing ever. I really miss not being close to my family but at least we have the internet and telephones these days. I don't know how people did it in the "OLD" days. So, sis if you ever have the time to check this I really do LOVE you!

So my grandparents have been in town this last week. Look at this kiddos face. Does he look like he is having fun? He decided that Grams' knee was the perfect horse.

Charlie on the other hand is hard thinking try and figure out her new helicopter toy. Her dad taught her how to wind it up and to bang in on the table to make it fly.

I have nothing to say about this picture except that I love this happy baby!

Family Resemblance

Do you notice the family resemblance? I love this shot of Brantley and my Grandfather Papa Charley. Their hair just makes me laugh!

Christmas on the road

We went on a marathon family visit after Christmas. Here you see Charlie crammed into the back of the car. She sure looks comfortable huh?

We stopped by Aunt Sherry's and Uncle Jimmy's in Springdale, AR. Some how I got out of there without Uncle Jimmy's picture. I didn't do a very good job taking pictures this time one the trip.

At Grams and Papa's in Lead Hill, AR we had a great visit. Once again I didn't get all the pictures I should have. We were able to visit with Uncle Bobby, Aunt Pam and cousin Jarrett. I still can't believe that Jarrett is 20. Boy am I getting OLD.

Charlie and Papa Charley played in the band...It is really funny when Papa plays blue grass, gospel, and old country and Charlie speaks in disney, cartoons (princess, backyardigans, Hermie, and strawberry shortcake), and Bare Naked Ladies. It is really hard to find a song that they both know. They played a lot of Away in the Manger and Rudolph.

We also stopped at Mammaw and Pappaw's in MO.

It was such a long trip that Daddy and Charlie took a nap on the couch. I just love this picture.

We also saw Grandma Flo, Uncle Rick, Aunt Brenda, and Uncle Stan. I managed to get lots of pictures with the kids and Grandma and NONE of the rest of the family. Someone needs to smack me this year. I am not getting all the pictures I should.

But here is a great one with my Dad and his grandkids: Charlie, Brantley and Erin.

P-EWE-K

"Mom! Don't touch my pewek."

"Your what?"

"My Pewek."

"And what is a pewek?"

"It's what you collect."

So we have a new word at our house. We took Charlie's pewek and turned it into a table decoration for Thanksgiving. I am not the girlie type when it comes to table clothes and table decorations. I am taking a great bible study this semester at church entitled "Keepers of the Home." During this bible study we had a skill session on Entertaining where a friend of mine talked about using what you have to decorate.

So, I bought a roll of fall colored ribbon and added Charlie's collection of pine-cones and rocks. We picked leaves off of our Maple tree in the front yard. Dusty's grandma always had the most beautifully decorated tables. So in honor of her we used the leaves. She bought the tree for me as a birthday present the first year we lived in the house. I think it added her to our table.

We really missed her this year.

Love Days like these

I wanted to help make the holiday's a little easier for LInda since Rosetta died. I know that she will still be sad but I also wanted to give her many good reasons to be happy so I invited her to help Charlie and I make kolaches for Grandpa Jindra for Thanksgiving. Grandpa Jindra is full Czech and loves this little dessert.

I just love this picture of Charlie and her Grandmother's hands. What is it about hands? I just love hand pictures especially when it shows two sizes. I just love taking pictures of Charlie and Linda's hands.

Five years ago, when I first started teaching at St. John Nepomuk Catholic School I had this wonderful family in my class. Mrs. Parizek made Kolaches for the Czech Fest. I asked her if she would teach me. So one morning I showed up at her house at 6 am and spent the next five hours learning. I have always had the best intentions on making them, but never taken the time. This year I needed to be different. I needed to take the time because I feel like I have been getting to wrapped up in the unimportant. So, I asked Linda to come over.
We had the best day! I missed my mom so much. Which is funny since I was trying to help Linda not miss her mom. Growing up I would watch mom make pies for Thanksgiving dinner. I haven't done that since 1994. I really miss that innocent time with her. She is alive and in Florida and this little experiment made me want to be a teenager again watching her roll out the pie crusts. Anyway, back to this story, Charlie couldn't stand that the "balls" weren't coming out the be the exact size.

As you can tell both, Linda and Charlie had a great time. (See the tool in Charlie's hand. That is the one she used to try and turn Brantley into a frog.)

Brantley even joined in for a little while. That $30 we spent on the Snguli was so worth it! Brantley just loves it. And for once I have an activity that I did with Charlie and I have pictures of me!

How yummy do these look? We made apricot, apple, cherry, and prune. We used the old Parizek recipe that Sheryl gave me five years ago. I think I only missed one maybe two steps and nothing that "ruined" them. Next time I will have them looking much better. I am pretty impressed with us! And I just had one of those "GREAT" days. But, I really miss my MOMMY! How silly is that?