Living Life, Grief, and Change

This has been a hard week.  Dusty's Uncle Dwain died early Monday morning.  As with any death, it has been difficult but this one especially so.  Dusty spent a lot of time with this incredible man.

I searched and searched and I can not find a photo of the two of them together over the last fifteen  years.  That is how long I have know this family.  Fifteen years.  And It is and with forever be the "stories" that keep people and places alive.  It will forever be the stories that we must continue to tell.  

Who was the man?  To me he was the man who always did.  Why can't I find but only 4 pictures of him in 15 years?  Because he was NEVER still.  He was always moving and doing.  He saw something that needed to be done and he did it,  a trash bag that needed to be emptied,  a hay ride that needed to be pulled, a guest that needed to be welcomed.  He was never still.  The only pictures I have are the ones that are of him eating.  This makes me laugh.  This is one of my favorite of the four I found because it also shows a subtle part of his personality.  He LOVED to laugh and play jokes.  I have an old tractor disk (I think) on my front porch from one of the first times when I went to the farm by myself.  He said "Amy,  Dusty needs this.  Can you get it to him for me?"  I having no clue what it was or who Dwain really was at the time said yes.  And now,  15 plus years later I still have it.  No matter how many "junk" days come by we still keep it because it was that silly gift and it reminds me of who he is.  The funny thing,  Dusty does the SAME thing.  Anyone new that comes to the house walks away with "something" because someone needed or wanted it.  It makes me smile.  

And then as I look through pictures and think of stories I think of how much my kids don't know.  And why?  Because I have not taken the time to tell them. I need to take the time to tell them stories of the family as well as stories of the LORD.  

 "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. 6 These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. 7 Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Deuternony 6:5-7 

 I miss the "old" days, the days gone by, the days gone past.  I miss those times of hanging out at the farm.  I miss the summer of "laser tag" with the cousins.  I miss the 4th of July's.  I miss the Christmases all together. I know that life is an ebb and flow. I know that is what God set it up to be.  He shows us this with the seasons.  The seasons change.  The people who are prominent in our lives change.   The boys of harvest grow up and have kids and jobs and homes of their own and they are no longer "boys of harvest".  But they always will be.  But it is my job to make sure those "stories" get told.  It is my job to document those little moments that I don't want to forget. It is my job to make sure that those moments are the ones that count so that years from now,  I, we, they, can look at the moments and see that in everything we lived a life worthy of the Lord.  And that we LIVED truly lived life.  And that the life that we lived was not just us but that others were there for the journey.  That those that went with us had names, faces and stories.  The names, faces, and places may change but we were not alone in this journey of life.  

so that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, 

Colossians 1:10

Letting Go and Letting God

I wonder if there will ever be a time when I truly let go?  I wonder if there will ever be a moment in time where my voiced faith is my actual heart felt faith and not just my mouth trying to convince my brain to obey.  I am one of those "control" freaks.  I love to help others.  But I hate to let others know that I am not doing okay.  I am working on that.  Well,  July 2012 has been another crazy "Hey Amy, I am not done teaching you to let me have control time."

 I am like most women.  I am like most mothers.  I let my own health be the last thing that takes priority.  Part of it is time.  Part of it is laziness. And part of it I blame on my mom.  Not in a  bad way. (I will explain this later). 

So, Let's start with the "planned" of this summer.  In 2006, I discovered a cyst on my right wrist. In fall of 2007, Dusty and I decided that I would have surgery in summer of 2008.  Well, we got pregnant with Brantley and there just never seemed to be a good time.  This past May, I really started having some issues with the cyst, so this summer was the summer to have it removed.  Knowing that "MOM" is going to be down for a few weeks is always hard.  It is very difficult to plan that.  There never seems to be  good time.  The week of July 4th seemed to be as good as any.  So, July 2nd I had my surgery.  Everything went great. 

Until on the next day, Dusty headed to work on his scooter without his helmet.  His back tire blew out and down he went.  Now, here is the kicker.  I am a safety girl.  Notice that he was NOT wearing his helmet.  This was a stipulation of getting the said scooter.  So,  I was VERY mad (I think there is still a little bit of me that is still angry but I am working on that).  Dusty was taken from the scene in the ambulance to OU trauma.  They thought he had a skull fracture.  He had major abrasions down his right arm on his right hand his left foot, his right toe,  a huge bruise on his butt, and two staples in his head.  He had a concussion but no skull fracture.  In the grand scheme of motorcycle wrecks God protected Dusty.  The kids stayed with Dusty's parents for a few days.  People from church provided meals for about five days even though I really did not think we needed them (we did). I wasn't thinking about having to clean up the kitchen after cooking.  Neither one of us could have done that over the weekend. 

Then on Sunday, the kids came home and Dusty went with the guys from work camping.  Me.  I should have been doing fine.  My kids were home.  My husband was alive and safe.  I was fuming. I  was so mad. I could not even see straight.  And on top of that I could not sleep.  Well that is okay, because this is not the end of God's lesson.  While Dusty was away I found something. Something that stopped me dead in my tracks. 

I found a lump on my left breast.  Here I was thinking about my idiot husband who could not be "bothered" enough to think about his family and wear his helmet off repelling with his buddies while having a concussion.  How could I trust that he would keep my kids safe?  My husband who is slowly beginning to show his faith.  My husband who I love dearly but am still so incredibly mad at. And I find a lump.  Now let me tell you a little bit about my personality.  I am not Chicken Little.  I do not think that the Sky is falling. I think that I can survive the Sky falling I know that God will get me through it and that I have the strength and the tenacity to do it but I also plan for the fact that when the sky falls the entire world will be completely and utterly destroyed.  Yes folks, I am a pessimist. 

So, I prepared for the worst.  I began worrying about my children.  What was I going to do when I died and my children had no one to pray for them?  See I knew that Dusty would get them to school. Dusty would love them.  He might remember to make them do their homework. He might remember to have them put on their seatbelt (bike helmelts I was not so sure).  But reading hte Bible, praying iwth them...that was where I was worried.  That is what I did.  He did not do those things.  I knew he would take them to church. I knew he would make sure that they went to Awana.  But would he read the Bible with them?  Would he pray with them?  Would he talk about God the way I do?  Who would keep my family focuses on God when I was not there?

See what I mean...My world was falling apart!  Dusty was back from his trip.  I and sat quite not sharing my nightmare (he was not happy when I finally did).  But God took care of me like he always does.  A friend just happened to drop a book off at my house.  She had no idea how much I truly needed the words inside the pages.  Thank you God that she listened to your still small voice that prompted her to drop it off.  Jesus Calling by Sarah Young.

These are the Words I heard over the next few days...in the wee hours of the night when I could not sleep.  I love how God keeps me awake till 4 am when there is no noise and I can find no other distractions but him.

"Stop worrying long enough to hear my voice."

Deuteronomy 30:20
and that you may love the Lord your God, listen to his voice, and hold fast to him. For the Lord is your life,

"Sit Quitely in my presence."

"I know the worst about you, but I also see the best in you."

John 15:13  Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.

"Worship me only.  The Light of my Presence is brilliant and everlasting. "

2 Samuel 22:29
You are my lamp, O Lord;
    the Lord turns my darkness into light.

"Whenever you feel distant from me, whisper my Name "Jesus" in loving trust"

John 16:24
Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete.

"Fix your gaze on me.

"Though the path is difficult and the scenery dull at the moment, there are sparking surpirses just around the bend."

"DO NOT WORRY ABOUT TOMORROW! This is not a suggestion, but a command.   When you worry about the future, you heap day upon day of troubles onto your flimsy frame. My grace is sufficient for you."

"Your only hope is to look up and see the Light of My Presence shinning down on you."

"Come away with me for awhile."

And so I have. I have come away with Him. I have spent a good two weeks in His word.

I have been to countless doctors. I called my OB on Monday after finding the lump.  They had an appointment first thing on Wednesday morning.  I went to that appointment.  While there I just kind of fell apart.  I told her about all my worries.  I have been very short tempered with my kids.  (She switched my anxiety meds that my regular doctor put me on in December.)   We talked about my fear of skin cancer with a few freckles looking different then they have in years past.  She put those fears to rest and gave me referrals for a dermatologist for that.  We talked about my constant headaches. How long have the been happening.  Well, I thought they were stress due to everything from last year and depression but they are still not going away so maybe a year.  Yes, dear readers you read that right. I have been having headaches/migraines almost every day for over a year and have done nothing about it.  Why?  Two reasons  1- My mother has severe migraines and for years I have watched her work with headaches. I understand that my situation is different but I feel silly going to the doctor knowing that she does not.  2-Who has the time to be sick when it is just a headache and I can still work?

So, she sent me to a neurologist.  I am not on meds for my headaches.  Because of my family history I am to treat all headaches as migraines.  In about a week I should see a difference. I am already seeing a little release.  I did not have a headache today until around 3. I did not realize how incredible it is to go through a day without your head not hurting. 

She also sent me to have a mammogram and ultrasound done.  Dusty took off work and came with me.  For the first time in my life I was glad to hear that I am "fat." It made my mammogram easy to read and it was negative.  Everything is okay.  There is nothing to worry about.

We had a long heart to heart talk.  He was mad at me. (And he had every right to be)  I am not to leave him out of something like that.  He also blew me away.  We talked.  I mean really talked.  He asked if his wreck was a good thing. I, of course, said no.  He said yes.  Yes, because it made someone go buy a helmet. He said that "everything that happens happens for good.  We may not know what that good is but it happens for good to come of it."  Without knowing it, my husband was quoting scripture.  
Romans 8:28
[ More Than Conquerors ] And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
 We talked about what would happened if something did happened to me.  He promised to make sure to read the Bible with the kids, to pray with the kids, to talk about God more instead of just leaving it up to me. 

So, once again, I am stepping out in faith.  I feel that God is pushing. No, not pushing but shoving me out of my comfort zone. I feel like he is calling me to lead a bible study called A Mom After God's Own Heart by Elizabeth George at church this fall.  If you happen to think about it over the next few months, pray that God will continue to give the courage to follow his voice. That he will continue to keep me awake into the wee hours of the morning to hear his voice when all else is quiet.

Goals for my kids

We have been reading Sheparding a Child's heart.  This week we read about the goals we have while raising our children.  I never really thought about it in those terms before.  I think up until this point my "goal" in raising my kids has been this.  I want my children to know God and get through childhood with as few "scars" as possible.  I guess that is not really one of the best goals.  I think this will be my new goal. 
2 Timothy 1:5  I have been reminded of your sincere faith, which first lived in your grandmother Lois and in your mother Eunice, and I am persuaded, now lives in you also. 
That really boils down to the goals that I have for my children.  I want the to KNOW God. To trust him.  To have a faith that can not be swade. Do I want them to be respectful, obedient, successful, loving, kind, smart (in problem solving and logic not necessarily in 4.0 GPA)?  Of course but I think that above all else, I want them to have a faith that will get them through life.  I want them to know that in God is comfort. I want them to know that in God is strength.  I want them to know that in God is life!
What are your goals for your kids?

Life with Charlie

I think that I have decided that God gave me Charlie to strengthen my faith.  We had a very frustrating and scary night Tuesday.  It started out like normal. We got home from school.  I sent the kids in the back yard to play until dinner was ready. Only I did not think to check the back yard before doing so.  Dusty had mowed the lawn the day before.  The kids found the gas can.  Charlie tried taking it away from Brantley and gas spilled in her face.

I hear the kids fighting and Charlie screaming.  I knew it was not her normal "my brother is bothering me and being mean" scream.  And I hear her say, "Brantley this is serious.  Go get mom." between cries.  He did not get to go far because I was right there.

Charlie tells me that B threw gas in her face. Now, I am a normally calm person when "things" happen.  This sent me over the edge. I looked at B and told him to sit down and don't move.  (For those of you that know my son you know this is impossible. He did it.) Everything in me said flush her eyes with water but then I thought what if water is not what I should be flushing her eyes with. So,  I did what I have done 10 other times since her birth and I called poison control. 

Charlie is screaming uncontrollably.  I could barely hear what was being said on the other end of the phone.  But what I did hear scared me to death.   It was an answering machine.  What!!!!  You don't get a message when  you call poison control.  You get a person.  So, I hung up and dialed 9-1-1.  At this point I shook Charlie a little and told her she had to calm down so that I could hear what 9-1-1 was saying.  I told Jana what had happened and asked what I needed to do.  She said she was sending the fire department and EMT to wait till they got there.  Now, when I am sane I know that the next move is not the move I should have made.  I watch enough "cop" shows on TV to know that I should stay on the line with 9-1-1.  I was scared and frustrated.  I knew that the fire department was on their way but this lady (I did not know her name at the time) was not telling me what to do now.  I am not a person to stand around and wait for help.  So,  I hung up.  Charlie was still screaming uncontrollably.  I wrapped my arms around her  and prayed.  It was the only thing I knew to do to calm her down and by now I was beginning to feel like I was going to lose it too.  I prayed that God would calm us down.  That's it.  Help us calm down. 

I said amen and dialed poison control again. This time I got Ken.  Ken told me to flush her eyes with room temperature water over the bridge of her nose for 15 minutes.  Okay,  Thank you Ken.  That I can do.  I cleaned off the counter laid Charlie across it and proceeded to begin doing just what Ken had said.   Have you ever tried to pour water into  a child's eyes that is trying to rub them w/ gas on her hands.  Not fun and not really the "right" way that Ken said I needed to do it.

I heard the fire engine's pull up and sent B to open the door.  B opened the door called to the firemen and came and sat back down where I had put him.  The wonderful men came in.  Talked to me for a few minutes.  Assured me that I had done the right thing and that even if I thought I had done no good with the flushing of the eyes, I would really be surprised.  The two men took care of Charlie.  I was now calm. They would know exactly what to do and how to do it.

I stepped back and looked at my house.  There was  a pile of dirty laundry.  There was a pile of dirty dishes.  There was not a flat surface in my house clean.  There was an orange peel and Cheetos on the floor leftover from B's scavenging he does.  All I could think about was that it was the last week of school. I don't clean my house the last week of school.  I am too busy.  Would the firemen turn me into DHS for being an unfit parent b/c they got into the gasoline and my house is a pit.  Yes, I know crazy talk.

They firemen put 1500ml of fluid over her eyes.  We changed her shirt and washed her hands.  (I did not think to do these things before the firemen got there.)  The EMT's came looked over C and left.  We opted for no ambulance ride but went to the after hours clinic instead.   When we arrived there, D had already checked us in.  This is the second time this year he has met us at the clinic while being at work.  (I love his new job.)  The nurse came out almost immediately to check on C.  She said it would be a pretty long wait but they wanted to check on her before they left us waiting.  This is something that I loved.  Yes, we had to wait almost 2 1/2 hours to see the doctor but they came out to make sure that she was okay enough to wait. 

The doctor died Charlie's eyes glow in the dark yellow.  Looked through a special large magnifying glass at her Cornea to make sure that there were no chemical burns.  I am praising God at this point that C wears glasses.  She may have gotten a little in her eyes but the majority was on her clothes and glasses.  We got an all clear from the doctor and went home.

Now, here is the part where I am just incredibly thankful that God gave me this little girl.  We talked about how this was something she could write in her  journal while I was putting B to bed.  She could write about when B threw gas on her.  She could write about the firemen or the EMT's.  Or, she could write about how the doctor gave her glow-in-the dark cat eyes.  She asked if she could write about what was in her heart.

So, while I put B to bed.  She wrote about her heart.  Her dictation was this "In my heart there were two sides.  The white side and the purple side.  The purple side was of Satan.  I had to choose.  I chose the white side because it was of Heaven."  I asked her to explain.

"The purple side was of Satan mommy.  It was all my being mad at my brother, and being scared, and being mad, and I was so angry and scared and it hurt.  The white side was from God.  When you prayed I chose to let God calm me down and you breathed with me (I don't remember breathing but it is what I say to calm my kids down so maybe I did.)  You breathed and I breathed and God calmed me and you down.  I chose the white side.  It is the side that makes me not be afraid and makes me not be mad at my brother and to forgive him."

Once again I am blown away by the words of this child.  This Child that God gave to me to strengthen my faith. 

I have to choose to let God calm me down.

Psalm 126:2-3
Our mouths were filled with laughter,  our tongues with songs of joy.  Then it was said among the nations, "The LORD has done great things for them."  The LORD has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy.

Psalm 40:3
He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God.  Many will see and fear and put their trust in the LORD. 

 

And yes,  I took pictures.  I just didn't take very good ones.  I take pictures of EVERYTHING! And, I have to laugh because the firemen asked Charlie if her mom was a scrapbooker.  See, even firemen see the importance of cameras.  

My cup is running over!

I love how God answers prayers.  If you know me for any amount of time I will tell you about my husband.  And, I will tell you about how I KNEW without a doubt that I was going to marry him.  And, if you listen for any amount of time you will hear how amazing he is and how he still is not "everything" I want him to be.  You will hear that he is a Christian but there has not been any discipleship in him.  You might hear how he goes to church but that is about it.  You might hear how I have and continue to pray for him to become the spiritual leader of my home.  From this point forward I am going to change my discussion about him.  I am going to say that he is becoming the spiritual leader in my home.  Let me tell you about last night.

Yesterday we brought C home from school because she wasn't feeling good.  I had a stomach bug last week so we thought she had just caught that.  Around 9pm we realized that she had strep.  D rushed to the after hours clinic to get the diagnosis and meds she needed.  D put her to bed.  He does this often but usually it is "Go to bed." with a kiss, hug and tuck.  Tonight was different.  "Alright let's pray."  I know this might sound silly to someone else but it sent me to cloud nine.

I listen from the other room while I put away laundry.  I held my tears in check and I prayed silently.  I thanked God for his faithfulness to bring Dusty along.  I thanked him that my children have the kind of man that Dusty is and is becoming as a father.  I praised God for all the many little tiny blessings that he gives me each and every day in the person of my family.  I thanked God that Dusty was trying to speak my love language.  I thanked God that he gave me eyes to see when Dusty was truly trying to let me know he loves me.  And as I prayed I put laundry away.

I had kneeled down next to my bed to put a comforter in a suitcase under the bed.  Dusty walked around me.  He kneeled down beside me. He smiled at me.  He folded his hands.  "Want to pray?"

He took my breath away!  Really.  You are asking me this.  Do you not remember a year ago January when I had a melt down and told you that "someday"  I wanted you to pray with me?  Do you not remember that same conversation where I told you that I would continue to pray this and that God answered prayers?  Do you remember that I told you that I would pray this until I got an answer and beyond?

I smiled.  "Go for it."  I said.

And he did!!

"Thank you for today.  It was a beautiful day.  Thank you for giving me Amy 11 years ago.  Thank you for knowing that she is just what I needed.  Thank you for the two amazing children she has given me.  Thank you for my new job that allows me to go to church with my family.  Thank you for bible study.  Thank you for friends.  I know Amy has been praying for them.  They are exactly what we have needed. In Jesus name."

He left it open for me to pray.

"Amen"

"Are you not going to pray?"  I shook my head.  How could I?  I was crying.  I don't know that I could have prayed out loud.  I don't know that I could have gotten out more than thank you lord.

"Happy tears?"

Happy tears are an understatement.  What I was crying was beyond happy tears!

It has been  a long couple of years.  Long but in a good way!  We have recently begun going to bible study together.  (yes,  another answered prayer.) It is not what most people think about "bible study" at the moment.  It might be some day but right now we are just easing into getting to know our group and building on fellowship.

Bible study has been good for us.  We have been to one session.  This last week the couple that shared gave us a little "get to know you" information.  We are in the get to know you part before we actually start a study.  I can't wait to know  a little more about each family.  One of the things they shared was their "family" life verse.  Roman 4:20...

Dusty and I talked at bedtime that night.  Mainly about what he might be comfortable with.  The conversation went something like this...

"At some point would you be okay if we did something like they did tonight?"  This is me feeling D out.

"Talking about myself.  Yeah we can do that.  I don't know that I would be okay leading a devotion but I don't mind if you do."  This is kind of a normal for us.  The two times he has been able to lead something he has been amazing, but I know it is NOT his comfort zone.

But then I got to thinking.  I have a verse that "I" think is our families verse.  Well, let me rephrase that I have a verse that I pray for our family.  But, is it something that I (we) have discussed.  Well, that is different altogether.  No we have not.  So I asked.

"Do you think we will every agree on a verse like they do?"

We talked about the two verses that I made him help me pick out when the kids were born.  I wanted them each to have a verse.  He asked if I had any verses in mind.  I read him the verse that I have been praying for about 6 months.

So I told him that I have been praying Colossians 1:9-12 for each of those in our family.

"We (I) have not stopped praying for you and asking God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all spiritual wisdom and understanding and I pray this in order that you may live a life worthy of the LORD and may please him in every way; bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and joyfully giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in the kingdom of light."

We talked a little more before falling asleep.  No decisions have been made.  I am learning that is okay. God's timing is perfect and until we have an agreed upon verse I will continue to pray that my family live a life worthy of the LORD growing in the knowledge of God.

Dusty doesn't read this.  But, if by some weird chance he does.  At least now you are forewarned that at some point in the future we will agree on a "family" verse.
 

Praying scripture

I read this post this morning.  It was JUST what I needed.  I am seeing a "scrapbook" or sorts in my future. What a great way to keep his promises at my finger tips!  I will make it easy to add to so that as I find things over the years I can continue to add scripture.  I can not wait to get started.

I will also add these:

When Lonely:
Jeremiah 29:12-14
12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you.” declares the LORD, “and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and place where I have banished you,” declares the LORD, “and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.”

When tempted: 

1 Corinthians 10:13

No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.

Any suggests dear friends on other scripture I could add?

A Look Back

2011 has been a very hard year.  It has also been a year of answered prayers.  In January Dusty and I began reading our bible together.  We read John and most of Romans.  I have prayed for this since I knew in July of 1999 that Dusty was "the one."  In February,  I began getting ready for a speaking engagement.  I was going to give my testimony at a women's  retreat.  This was NOT something I have every thought I would do.  In March,  Dusty and I celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary.  In April, I spoke at the retreat.  And found that God used it to show me just how faithful he has been throughout my life.  In May, I was matched with two incredible women from church through a mentoring program.  Dusty lost his job and Charlie was put on a "Individual Reading Plan." God was so faithful to have given me eyes to see all the ways that this was HIS plan for our lives.   In June I turned 35 (ouch)  and Dusty got a new job.  God's faithfulness prevails.  In July I became a single mom.  Dusty went to Tulsa.  Charlie turned 6.  I had a "break-down" in front of friends.  That was embarrassing!  In August, I opted not to have a birthday party for my little guy who turned 3.  He has not let me forget it.  By September we were in the full swing of school, single parenthood,  new job,  a kindergartner for the second time, and a three year old who is every bit of 3.  In October,  we dealt with parent teacher conferences and Dusty coming home.  No more single mom. No more going to church by myself.   But now,  what does normal look like?  In November,  life was still crazy and I was not coping.  Charlie was a flower girl in Gwen's wedding.  Gwen was our flower girl.  Was she really old enough?  It was a beautiful wedding.  Dusty left for on last week of training.  Charlie had 2 UTI's this month and B two ear infections.  December came.  And, all the "normal"  did not exist.  I did not do a single thing with/for my kids that I normally do in December.  We did not leave nativity  for friends to find.  We did not look at the Christmas lights.   We did not go to Bethlehem.  We did not do our Jesse Tree. We did not do our advent calendar.  We did not read a book every night.  We did not read what God wants for Christmas.  We did not make a gingerbread house, play dough or cookies.   But,  we did have a lot of cuddle time.  We had a lot of family time.  And, I began to get better (Thank you Dr. Grizzle).   2011 would have been a horrible year had it not been for the blessing that God gave me.  God gave me a heart to see each of his blessings.  He gave me an incredible  husband.  I love him more today that I thought ever possible.  He gave me Mary, a babysitter for B and someone I now count as a friend.  He gave me Laurie who took the time to come over each week and study God's word with me.  He gave me Sherry who came over each week and encouraged me.  He gave me Mary who just helped me keep going and is my right hand man in the classroom.   He gave me a sense of belonging.  He gave me friends that I now feel I live life with Duncan's, Murphy's and Hixsons.  It has been a year of great trials and INCREDIBLE blessings!

God's timing

Several years ago a family in my school was presented with some life changing news.  A mother of one of my students was told that her mother had died.  This mother was very active in their lives.  When this family got this news, their friends just swept in and took complete control of things.  Everyone was taken care of.  I was devastated by this.  I know it is a really silly thing to be upset about.  I thought about who I would call if something horrible happened.  I didn't really have anyone that I felt close enough to to "bother" them with my burdens.  I was upset by this.  The first person I call in an emergency should not be my boss.
So I began to pray for a family to live life with.  I have prayed long and hard about this.
Tonight, the kids and I were at a birthday party.  It did not feel like a birthday party.  It felt like home.  I was VERY glad that it was dark because several times I was over taken with thanksgiving, joy, happiness, and just PLAIN sap.
I am one of those people that often wonders what others think.  I still have a daily battle of wills.  I have the voice that tells me I am not good enough.  That no one would even be interested in living life with me. And then I have the voice that tells me there is something special about me.
So tonight as I listened to the kids playing and the conversation of the adults, I realized that I was with a  group of people who called my daughter eccentric and truly believe that she would not be anything else.  A group of people who see my son full of energy ,  a Saint Bernard that doesn't realize that he has knocked you down but is licking your face with excitement instead.  A group of people that enjoy me for me.  I am so completely overwhelmed with joy and gratitude with the answered prayers.  I have found the families that I want to live life with.  And, I feel that they are willing to live life with us.
As I sit typing this I am crying.  I just can't express how Amazing I see my God to be.  He knew before I knew that things had to happen.
I am so incredibly thankful for God's amazing gift of friends!

Generosity

In church this morning Pastor Carlon talked about grace giving.  I have really been thinking tonight about all the times that I have seen true generosity.  The definition of generosity according to a very dear friend is that gift that you truly can not repay.  So, here is the list that has come to mind right now.  
* Thank you God, for the family that took a group of college girls out to lunch every week.  I have always wanted to be that couple later in life that just loves on those kids without families close by.  * Thank you God for my college room mate and her family that just welcomed me as part of their family.  
* Thank you God, for my college friends family that allowed me to live with them in their home for 9 months.  They have no idea how much that meant.  
* Thank you to the man with the family of five that stopped to change my tire for me when I was in college.  It was dark and rainy.  
* Thank you God for the neighbor three houses down that mowed our yard when I was pregnant with Charlie.
* Thank you God for the dear friend that got together with me once a week while I went through postpartum depression.  God has blessed me through her.  
* Thank you God for a place of work that allows my children to be dropped off each day so I don't have to pay day care. 
* Thank you for the sweet friend that placed $100 gift card in my mailbox when Dusty was between jobs.  
* Thank you to the friend that babysat my friends for me this summer so I could go to an interview when I could not find anyone else. 
* Thank you to the friend that made dinner on the one night that I had no idea when I would eat.  
* Thank you to the friend that took time out of her day just to say hi and see how I was doing.


Some of these things are BIG. Some of these things cost money. And some...gave time.  
I pray that I am obedient enough to hear the voice that says do this for her/him.  I pray that God helps me have a generous heart to be a grace giver. 

Answered prayers

I am really trying to leave my kids (and grandkids) a legacy of faith.  Most of my scrapbook stuff is really about the story and not so much about the layout or the "fun stuff" on the page.  Sometimes it is about the pictures.  But really, it is about the story, especially when it is a faith story.
This one is a little of both.
I have been praying for some time for a friend.  A close friend.  This  layout is about a very dear Godly woman.  She and her son have really touched our lives the last few years.  He is three weeks older than B.  And B adores him.  She is someone that has really become someone that I do not want to do life without.  I can see our families still being friends 20 years from now.  The prayer on the front says:  Dear Lord, I have no friends (I should probably clarify.  I have lots of friends but not many really close ones that I share life with on a fairly regular basis. This is what my prayer was based on.)  Please send me someone to:  talk with, laugh with, play with, cry with, smile with, weep with, pray with...
The journaling on the left of the layout is from a card she sent me in 2009.  Inside the pocket is a different card, 3 e-mails and then my "story."  This is the piece that I want my kids to know.  "This has been a reoccurring prayer of mine for years. Each time it is answered,  I am amazed.  Not that God answered the prayer but in the way he answered it.  Again, this prayer began in 2007 when I had recovered from post pardoum depression, but still struggled with the every day "blues."  I searched for friends.  Each time, I was accepted but not in the way that I wanted.  I still felt left out.  This seems to be the story of my life.  The one who fits in but is always outside.
God began preparing the way for this friendship long before I realized.  I met her "who knows" when.  I admired her from a far.  She always seemed so "put together."  She was what I would call a reverent person.  She was so faithful and knowledgeable when it came to God's word.  Fall of 2009 we attended a bible study together on Ruth.  I felt inadequate.  I felt lost.  I felt like I didn't belong and yet, I kept going.  I knew that God was working in me.  After class she sent me this beautiful note.  It touched my heart.  June 2010 I sent an e-mail to the ladies in my Sunday School class.  I wanted something very different for my birthday.  I wanted to pray with other women.  She came.  The evening was incredible.  To have women take the time out of their lives to pray for me.  That is what the evening ended up being.  I want to pray with someone and it became that I was being prayed for AMAZING!!!  God is truly amazing.
Aug-Sept 2010 our sons brought us together.  B and he are 3 weeks apart.  They both began biting in class.  We were asked not to bring them back to class without an adult to watch them for a month (a policy I agree with now.  At the time emotion was involved.)  We were both hurt, devastated, embarrassed, angry, and yet as God always does something beautiful came out of something bad.  She has become a very dear friend.  She is someone I can pray with.  I am blown away by how completely God answers prayers.  I want a friend to "do" stuff with and instead God provided a prayer partner who is willing to "do" stuff together."
And here is the kicker for the whole thing for me.  I made this layout in December.  And I meant every word.  Since May, we have been meeting once a week.  We have been praying for each other on a regular basis.  We have been working on a bible study together.  And, She means more today then she did in December.  I am so very thankful that my son started biting.  I am so very thankful that God has given me this very precious friend.
 

Conversations that take my breath away

I love it when  I have a conversation with one of my kids that just takes my breath away.  Coming home from school was like that today.
"Mom, do you know how to cross your heart and lock it with a key?"
"Why do you want to lock your heart?"
"Oh,  I just have something that I don't ever want to get out of my heart."
"What's that?"
"I want to be a godly lady.  I don't want that to ever get out of my heart."
(Gasp once,  I want this for her as well.  I am SO amazed that she has this thought at 6.  I did not have these kind of thoughts until my late 20's)
"That's  a good reason to want to lock your heart.  Do you know any Godly ladies?"
"YES!!! Mary."
Right now in our lives we have several Mary's.  
"Which Mary?"
"That's silly Mom!  Jesus's mom."
"Yes, she was a godly woman.  Do you know any that are alive right now?"
"You."
(Gasp twice.  This is my prayer for myself.  I am so very thankful that my daughter considers me a Godly woman.  Especially lately.  It seems that with Dusty gone I seem to lose my temper a lot more and a lot faster.  What a blessing to me that even with all my mistakes and faults my 6 year old thinks of me as a godly woman.)

When the enemy strikes, God provides strength

I have seen this time and time again this last year.

I have really struggled over this last year with several things at church.  I have stepped out in ways that are not usually me.  This last struggle left me feeling that I might be looking for  a new church.  And yet, I could hear voices
"Don't do anything big and rash and extreme." from the Grief counselor.
"It sounds like "The Enemy" is really trying hard to get you out of someplace you really need to be."  Cyndi speaking of a struggle earlier this year.
"I am not one to just walk away."  from myself.
"I would HATE to see you leave."  from Sheri.
"The devil tells us lies hoping we will believe them and not the truths that God says about us." from Amy.
"I want to talk with you more concerning... I have not seen your part as one of complainer." from Steve
"God will let you know what you need to do." from Dusty
"I wanted to extend an invitation to you..." from Kaye

These tid bits of conversation over the last little bit have just been such strength, such a strength of comfort.  Nothing is resolved.  And yet, I am comforted that God will provide the answers I seek.

And then he also provides relief.  Today was one of those days where I just felt rushed. It was our curriculum night. I had 24 sets of parents waiting at my door this evening to hear about "their" classroom and what my expectations where.  I had lost my binder. I couldn't find my information.  I was stressing about getting packets put together.  I was stressing about everything.
I can leave SJN at 3:45 go get B.  Back to SJN to pick up C from Girl Scouts.  Head to Ben's work (my father-in-law) drop kids off.  Squeeze in dinner (have not idea where the time is going to come for this).  Back to school.  Finish stuffing packets.  Give four 20 minute speeches to parents.  Try to cram a year of information into 20 minutes without completely overwhelming the "newbies" since I teach "AP" pre-k.
Pick up kids by 9.  Go to the store pick up medicine since B finished his allergy meds off this morning.  Get the kids in bed at a decent hour.  Then to work on the house:  laundry, dishes, lunches, last of lesson plans for tomorrow, and bible study.    
Yes, that kind of a day.
And God blessed me!  I get to Mary's (I just LOVE this answered prayer) to pick up B.  She said "I made you dinner.  I just felt like it was something I needed to do."  WHAT!!!  I can not believe how much that simple thing touched my heart.  Not only is she AMAZING with B.  Not only does he LOVE her so much that he practically runs right into her house not even giving me a second glance but now, she makes me dinner.  And, of all days on one of the most stressful busiest days of my year.  I just looked at her.  "I just can not believe that you would do this on the day I needed it most." I told her.
"God told me too."
 I am so thankful that God has brought this amazing Godly woman into my life.  I pray that I too can be the kind of woman that is obedient to that voice that tells you to do something.  I want to be that kind of woman.  I want to be the kind of woman that just makes everything better for someone.  Even if it is something as small as a bowl full of delicious pasta.   And now everyone who knows me can just stop laughing because yes I can cook pasta but I am much better and washing towels.

So, my prayer to you (my reader).
Is this:  Sometime, in the time I will know you, let me be obedient to the voice of God when he tells me to step out in whatever way I need to to be  a blessing to you.  Even if that blessing is just one small moment.

This weeks Manna

I know that this year 2011 is a year that God is stretching me.  I have done more things outside of my comfort zone in this year than I ever thought possible.  But I also know that he is working in me.  He is working hard.

I always thought of myself as a pretty strong and self-sufficient person.  I don't think I feel that way anymore.  Dusty has been gone for 6 weeks of his 17 weeks of training.  And for the first time in 10 years we have been apart.  I grew up thinking that I would be the wife of a military man.  I thought I could handle being by myself raising a family off and on while my husband took care of other things.

When I married Dusty I knew he was a family guy.  I never knew how much of a family guy.  He is the one that keeps me from being a work-a-holic.  He is the one that wants us home and eating dinner together.  He is the one that established family cuddle time.  And I miss him terribly.  I am just not good without him.

God is using this time to really work on me.  My strength is to be in him and not in Dusty.  I just thought that last week was hard.  Thursday a student in my school lost his battle with Cancer.  It was a very short battle.  He was diagnosed the middle of May. He fought a hard and painful battle.  After I picked up my kids that day from the sitter we went to Mardels.  I was looking for a bible for C's birthday.  In the bibles were two books  of grief.  I know that God placed them there.  They were just shoved on the shelf like someone did not want to walk the three feet to put them back where they belonged but really they were placed there for me.  I stood in the book section reading them  crying.  I must have been a sight because two ladies came over to make sure I was okay.  How do you explain that you are fine when you don't feel or look okay?

I got home feeling just beat up.  In the mailbox was an amazing note from a friend.
Dear Amy,
I hope that these verses will encourage you as they did me.
"He reached down from on high and took hold of me;  He drew me out of deep waters.  He rescued me from a powerful enemy, from my foes who were too strong for me.  They confronted me in the day of my disaster but the Lord was my support.  He brought me out into a spacious place;  He rescued me because He delighted in me."
" You, O Lord, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light.  With your help I can advance against a troop; with my God I can scale a wall as for God His way is perfect.  The word of the Lord is flawless.  He is a shield for all who take refuge in Him.  For who is God besides the Lord?  And who is the Rock expect our God?  It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect.  He makes my feel like the feet of a deer;  He enables me to stand on the heights.  He trains my hands for battle; my arms can bend a bow of bronze.  You gave me your shield of victory, and your right hand sustains me;  you stoop down to make me great.  You broaden the path beneath me, so that my ankles do not turn."  (Psalms 18:16-19, 28-36)
May he be your strength!
That was it.  Two short sentences and all the strength and comfort I needed.  My God is amazing!  Is yours?
The next day when I shared this note with four fellow teachers,  the literature teacher told me that the second set of verses was in the story that they middle school kids read for their summer reading.  And I pray that these verses comfort them as well.

Today was his funeral.  His parents seem so strong.  I don't think I would have been able to do what they did.  I felt like a basket case.  And, I did not know this little guy well.  I never had the pleasure of having him in class. I did have his younger sister.  I saw the way he was with her.  And, even in his death, he was encouraging others.  He loved anything to do with the armor of God.  The verse on his memory card was this
"Your strength must come from the LORD's mighty power within you.  Put on all of God's Armor."
Ephesians 6:10-11
I can't do this alone.  I won't be able to make it another 11 weeks.   But with God, I will.  He will be my strength.  He is stretching me.  Each day it seems as if I am being pushed further and further outside of my box.  And yet with each terrifying step I take he shows me how much he goes before me.  He shows me how much he is with me  and that he will truly be my strength if I will let him.

Manna

This week has been a very difficult week.  I know it is going to be silly to most.  My difficult is that I am painting my daughter's bedroom.  This should be a blessing.  Dusty was out of work for 6 weeks and yet we still had the money to pay bills and  repaint C's room.  I thought that I was having difficulty because I am not a very good "big" painter.  I am MUCH better an the little details than the big picture.  I always leave steaks and never seem to get very good coverage.

But, as I put the first stroke of primer over the previous walls I began to sob.  Not the silent cry where tears run down my cheek.  No, racking sobs where I couldn't wipe away the tears.  I  kept telling myself that I was being ridiculous.  I know that Charlie is getting older and I need to just knock it off.  But, then this little voice inside me said, "This has NOTHING to do with Charlie."  And the voice was right.  Really what I was sobbing over was not the cute little rock or that my "baby" was not a baby any more.  No, what I was sobbing about was the relationships lost.  It made sense to me at 1 am.  And, the next day, it makes even more sense.

I have been thinking a lot lately about God's provision.  I am reading in Exodus.  And  each day the Israelites are presented with Manna.  These last few months have been this way for me.  (Okay, who I am kidding?  If I were truthful it has been this way my whole life I was just not "aware" of it.)
My Manna is not a physical food miraculously supplied in the wilderness.  My manna instead comes in the form of different things.

On Monday, my manna was a very dear friend talking with me and doing a bible study with me.  A study that is challenging me to believe that God is who he says he is and that I am who he says I am.   

On Tuesday, my manna was a different friend calling to "chat" and during this conversation she let me know that my "ridiculous" feelings this week was grief.  Grief for loss of things that did not turn out the way I had them planned in my mind (I'll get back to this.)

On Wednesday, my manna was in a third friend letting me know that she likes me enough to spend an evening with just me.

On Thursday, my manna came in praying with a fourth friend and in the form of two amazing women's heart.  Loretta and Valery host a bible study on Thursday evening.  They are following God's call for their lives in opening their home and hearts to what God has on theirs and sharing with others.   I went to study wiped out.  I have cried a LOT this week.  And I have chastised myself b/c I am being silly.  At study this week we did not have anything to prepare ahead of time.  Instead, we were going to meditate on God's word.  One verse in God's word.   We mediated on Titus 3:5 "He saved us, not because of righteous things we have done, but because of his mercy.  He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit,"
It seems that I will forever struggle with the "I am not good enough" mentality.  And in all reality I am not good enough.  God saved me because of his mercy and love for no other reason.

So, back to why I was crying.  I began to realize with each stroke that I was crying for the loss of the two ladies that helped me paint the room in the first place.  I think painting the room was one of the last things that we did together.  For a period of about 3 years we did so much together.  We were close.  I heard my friends voice.  "You know what you are feeling is grief."  The brush went up.  Another voice, "You are always losing friends."  The brush went down.  I will never leave you. The brush went up.  "You can never keep friends."  Faces flashed through my head.  Jenny, Stacia, Lanny, Teresa, Amanda, Jessica, Stephanie, Lori, Amy, Jana, Leslee, Mistie, Christian, Sarah.  I will never leave you.  


A verse I have been memorizing for Beth Moore's scriputre memory popped into my head.  Deuteronomy 31:8 "the LORD himself goes before you and will be with you;  he will never leave you nor forsake you.  Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."

As I painted I mediated on that verse through the tears.  The LORD goes before.  Each of those wonderful ladies have been amazing to me.  I still pray for and think each of them from time to time.  Most, I keep up with their lives on facebook.  Some, I am still blessed to enjoy a face to face meeting with.  Each of these ladies were placed in my life to teach me something.  Each lady has a place in my heart.  And, each of them were in my life for a "time." I will never leave you.  But, it is GOD that will never leave me.  


Lord, thank you so much for using Loretta and Valery to teach me to mediate on scripture.  I have never enjoyed painting like I did last night.  I am so blessed that YOU will never leave me.  You are my constant.  Many times you will send people to me.  Friends that will be in my life for a time.  But it is you who will be with me always  It is you who provides my manna.  Continue to make me aware each day what your  manna is for me.  Use me as manna in the lives of others.  Allow me to be a true friend.  
Amen  

Freckles

I have always hated my freckles.  I use to wear makeup 3 shades too dark and WAY too much just to cover them up.  I just hated them.  Like many things in life, I am learning to like them.  Not love them, but accept and like them.

I love how God uses my precious daughter to make sure that I am listening to him.


Today I was reading in Deuteronomy.


For you are a people holy to the LORD your God. The LORD your God has chosen you out of all the peoples on the face of the earth to be his people, his treasured possession.
                                  Deuteronomy 7:6


I am thinking about this.  Charlie be-bops up.  "Hey mom, you know what I am going to ask God when I get to heaven?  I am going to ask him how many freckles you have.  He will know that one for sure, won't he?"

Charlie

I am in awe of this incredible little girl.  She has been asking questions lately that I am not ready to answer. She asks a lot of the "tell me about when you were a little girl" kinds of questions.  A lot of them of late have been about my "DAD" or my "Step dad."  And though I am very lucky to have my real dad in my life now that was not the case for many, many years.  I like that Charlie's life is "perfect."  I like that she has a mom and a dad that both live at home.  I like that in the grand scheme of things her life is truly perfect.  Tonight she asked me a lot of those incredibly hard questions.  I don't know how to explain them to her.  (And mom if you are reading this know that I know you love me with every inch of your being.)
C:"Mommy, sing me your favorite song that your mommy sang to you."
Me:"I don't remember my mom singing to me."
C:  "But, didn't your mommy love you enough to sing you to sleep at night?"
Things were different for me than for Charlie.  How do I explain to her the things that I don't know or I don't remember?
Me:"Baby, my mommy loved me so very much.  You remember that I told you mommy did not have a mommy and a daddy at home like you do.  Mommy had a mommy (that's Nana) that loved her so very much but she had to work a lot so that mommy had a house to live in and food to eat.  Nana loved mommy very much but she had to work sometimes 2 and 3 jobs so that Mommy was taken care of."
We talked for ever it seemed like.
C:"But, Mommy,  Why did Nana have to work so much?  Why didn't your Daddy or your Step Dad help Nana?"
How do I answer these kinds of questions when sometimes I ask them myself?
Me:"C do you remember that mommy tells you not to drink alcohol or to take drugs? Mommy's Dad and Mommy's step Dad did not always make good choices.  They both choose to do these things.  And with those choices come consequences."
C:"Good consequences or Bad consequences?"
Me: "Bad consequences."
C:"Is that why your Step Dad is a bad man?"
Me:"Baby, My step dad is not a bad man but he made some very bad and mean choices."
C:"Does that mean that no one loved you?"
How do I answer these questions to a little girl when it was not so long ago I asked them myself?
Me:"Who loves you more than anything?"
C:"God!"
Me:"And what did God do?"
C:"He sent Jesus to die for us."
(And THANK YOU BETH MOORE and your SCRIPTURE memory challenge.  Because of that I had verses on my heart and in my head.)
Me: "God tells us that "The Lord your God is with you.  He will NEVER leave you nor forsake you.  Do not be afraid. Do not be discouraged.  (Deut 31:8) He tells us that in ALL things God himself will go before us and will be with us.  Good and bad.  God is always with us and will provide for us.  Bad things will happen in our life.  And no matter what, God is with us.  Satan may mean those bad things to harm us but God will always use them for good.  Like Daddy's job.  He lost his job at the Olive Garden but God provided him with a job that is going to be better for Daddy.  (1 Corinthians 10:13, Romans 8:37-39, Genesis 50:19-20)
C:"But how do we know that God is with us?"
Me: "Can you tell me where it tells us that God is always with us?"
C:"In the Bible."
Me:"And, what is the Bible?"
C:"It is God's word."
Me:"And what are we suppose to do with God's word?"
C: "Hide it in our heart so that we never forget what God wants us to know. Mommy, can you sing me your favorite song that reminds you  of God?"
So, I sang.  And she was asleep before I finished the song.

You are my all in all
Written by Dennis Jernigan

You are my strength when I am weak
You are the treasure that I seek
You are my all in all
Seeking You as a precious jewel
Lord, to give up I'd be a fool
You are my all in all

Taking my sin, my cross, my shame
Rising up again I bless Your name
You are my all in all
When I fall down You pick me up
When I am dry You fill my cup
You are my all in all

Jesus, Lamb of God
Worthy is Your name
Jesus, Lamb of God
Worthy is Your name

You are my strength when I am weak
You are the treasure that I seek
You are my all in all
Seeking You as a precious jewel
Lord, to give up I'd be a fool
You are my all in all

Jesus, Lamb of God
Worthy is Your name
Jesus, Lamb of God
Worthy is Your name


Nicole Nordeman

Lord, I am so humbled to be this child's mother.  I pray that You will continue to put Your words in my mouth as she grows.  Continue to draw her near to you.  Allow me to stay out of your way.
Amen
 

The moments that take my breath away.

There are only two times during the week when my kids do not bicker in the car.   Every Sunday and Wednesday on our way to church we talk about the ways that we can prepare our hearts to hear the message that God has for us at church.  We can pray, sing songs, listen to the praise music on K-Love, or sit quietly and look out the window at God's amazing creation.  Most days I am driving b/c D is working.  This morning was a very rare day when D was able to join us for Church.  D whispered asking why the kids were so quiet.  I explained that B was looking at the clouds and C was praying.  When I looked back and saw her like this I just had to grab my camera.  This is truly a moment that takes my breath away.

She is preparing her heart to hear what God wants her to know.
Praise the Lord for his faithfulness to meet everyone where they are at.

God's gifts

Here is the link to my faith formation today.  I am behind as usual but I don't think this link would have meant as much to me when I should have read it as to when I read it today.  Today was the last day of school for the year.  And, each year, I send my precious group of kids off to Kindergarten wondering if I was "good" enough.  Wondering if I gave them the foundation they need to succeed in school.  And yes, I know that their success or failure does not fall completely on my shoulders.
I read this passage.
1 Peter 4:10
Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God's grace in its various forms.

Was I a good steward of those 24 special little guys that God placed in my care?  Did I faithfully follow God's plan for them?  Did I use the gifts God gave me in the way He desired me to use them?

What are the gifts I have received through God's grace?

I am a good teacher.  Not great.  Not incredible.  Not "the best."  But I am a good teacher.  (And then I have my days when I am a not so good teacher.)
I pray each child knows how very much I love him/her.  I pray they remember that I listening to their "news" each morning.  I pray that they get that I love my job.  I pray that the little things like the nap fairy matter.   I pray that they remember that I prayed with them each and every day.  I pray more than anything that even with all my mistakes they (and their parents) see that Jesus is in my heart.  I pray that you can see Jesus in me.

What are some ways that I use my gifts to serve others?
I don't know that I do, but I pray that the answer to that question is YES.

So, at the end of another year, I pray that God continue to make me into the kind of teacher he wants me to be.  I pray that each year I bring families and kids closer to him with my own walk of faith.  I pray that each year I become a better teacher.  I pray that my mistakes are not so big that it causes someone else to stumble. I pray "Holy Sprit, source of inspiration, help me to claim the gifts God has given me.  Let me discover how my gifts may be used in service to others.  Allow my service to be that of  a Pre-K teacher."

Everything works together

I heard this song today.  I really touched my heart.

The bigger picture

I have been thinking for a while now about Joseph.  (See Genesis 37-47)  Joseph, who withstood so many troubles in his life and yet, never seemed to lose site of the fact that God has a bigger picture for him.  I pray that my faith is that strong,  that people years from now can look at my life and say "She had a faith like no other."  I want to have a faith that does not worry.

Matthew 6: 25-33
²⁵ “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? ²⁶ Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? ²⁷ Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life^[b]?

   ²⁸ “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. ²⁹ Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. ³⁰ If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? ³¹ So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ ³² For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. ³³ But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ³⁴ Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

  We will all have some kind of trouble, suffering, hardship.   I am needing this reminder.  Right now, there are things that are out of my control.  There are things that I "usually" worry about.  I am a worrier by nature, and yet I have a perfect peace.  A peace that I know can only come from my Father above.  He seems to be reminding me that He is sovereign and in control each and every moment of my life.

These reminders come in the form of messages at church.  I am so very thankful that God has given me a Pastor who's sermon notes are so what I need when I need them.

When suffering happens, I should follow Christ's example.
* I don't have to win anymore.  I don't have to keep pressing my point.
* I don't have to look good anymore.  I can stop the "Me" campaign.
* I don't have to be perfectly understood anymore.  I don't have to tell my side of the story over and over.
* I don't have to retaliate when I have been hurt.  I don't need to allow bitterness to overtake my heart. I can let go of grudges.

These reminders come in the form of books that I am reading, Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World by Jo Anna Weaver.
In Chapter 8 Lessons for Lazarus, she reminds me that "Life rarely works in happily ever afters."
*What Satan intends for evil, God still turns for good.
*God has a lot he wants to teach us as the "Story" unfolds.  For tucked between the twists and turns of the everyday plot are the valuable lessons about who God is and how he words and how we fit into the tale.
* God always has a plan.
* We overcome life.
^{Romans 37} No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. ³⁸ For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, ³⁹ neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
*Sometimes, bad things happen.  People suffer so that God can be glorified. 
John 9:3 “Neither this man nor his parents sinned,” said Jesus, “but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life.


 These reminders come in the form of scriptures read at Mass.  
John 14:1  “Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. 


God's message to me can not be any more clear.  So, in the mean time.  I am enjoying my family and family time.  I am enjoying watching God's plan for my family unfold.  I am relishing in prayers that God is answering.  I am enjoying worshiping and attending Church as a family.  And, in all these things I have a  perfect peace that God is in control.