I have seen this time and time again this last year.
I have really struggled over this last year with several things at church. I have stepped out in ways that are not usually me. This last struggle left me feeling that I might be looking for a new church. And yet, I could hear voices
"Don't do anything big and rash and extreme." from the Grief counselor.
"It sounds like "The Enemy" is really trying hard to get you out of someplace you really need to be." Cyndi speaking of a struggle earlier this year.
"I am not one to just walk away." from myself.
"I would HATE to see you leave." from Sheri.
"The devil tells us lies hoping we will believe them and not the truths that God says about us." from Amy.
"I want to talk with you more concerning... I have not seen your part as one of complainer." from Steve
"God will let you know what you need to do." from Dusty
"I wanted to extend an invitation to you..." from Kaye
These tid bits of conversation over the last little bit have just been such strength, such a strength of comfort. Nothing is resolved. And yet, I am comforted that God will provide the answers I seek.
And then he also provides relief. Today was one of those days where I just felt rushed. It was our curriculum night. I had 24 sets of parents waiting at my door this evening to hear about "their" classroom and what my expectations where. I had lost my binder. I couldn't find my information. I was stressing about getting packets put together. I was stressing about everything.
I can leave SJN at 3:45 go get B. Back to SJN to pick up C from Girl Scouts. Head to Ben's work (my father-in-law) drop kids off. Squeeze in dinner (have not idea where the time is going to come for this). Back to school. Finish stuffing packets. Give four 20 minute speeches to parents. Try to cram a year of information into 20 minutes without completely overwhelming the "newbies" since I teach "AP" pre-k.
Pick up kids by 9. Go to the store pick up medicine since B finished his allergy meds off this morning. Get the kids in bed at a decent hour. Then to work on the house: laundry, dishes, lunches, last of lesson plans for tomorrow, and bible study.
Yes, that kind of a day.
And God blessed me! I get to Mary's (I just LOVE this answered prayer) to pick up B. She said "I made you dinner. I just felt like it was something I needed to do." WHAT!!! I can not believe how much that simple thing touched my heart. Not only is she AMAZING with B. Not only does he LOVE her so much that he practically runs right into her house not even giving me a second glance but now, she makes me dinner. And, of all days on one of the most stressful busiest days of my year. I just looked at her. "I just can not believe that you would do this on the day I needed it most." I told her.
"God told me too."
I am so thankful that God has brought this amazing Godly woman into my life. I pray that I too can be the kind of woman that is obedient to that voice that tells you to do something. I want to be that kind of woman. I want to be the kind of woman that just makes everything better for someone. Even if it is something as small as a bowl full of delicious pasta. And now everyone who knows me can just stop laughing because yes I can cook pasta but I am much better and washing towels.
So, my prayer to you (my reader).
Is this: Sometime, in the time I will know you, let me be obedient to the voice of God when he tells me to step out in whatever way I need to to be a blessing to you. Even if that blessing is just one small moment.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Sunday, August 14, 2011
I think that I have decided that 2011 is a year of stretching for me. I don't like being outside my comfort zone. I guess that is why it is called a comfort zone.
Things are crazy right now. I feel like my head is just below the water right now. I can step on my tip toes most day and catch a breath but that is about it. School started Thursday and while we had a great first 2 days I feel that I am WAY behind. I always send out welcome cards to this kids before the first day. Not this year. I always call the parents the first day of school and let them know how the day went. Not this year. I always have my friendship game out the first day and to the second set of parents. Not this year.
And now, I am just beside myself. I am a rule follower. I like rules. I do NOT like to break the rules. And, I would never asked for the rules to be changed b/c of me. And yet, I feel as if that is just what I am doing. I am not one to "buck" the system or ask for special consideration. And yet, that is just what I want done. How can someone who so strongly believes in rules and policies want something like that to be changed or amended. I have a HUGE decision to make over the next few weeks. I am not really sure what the decision will be. I don't really like very many of the options.
1) I can walk away for a few years. (THIS IS NOT WHAT I WANT!!!)
2) I can step away for a while. Trying to keep plugged in as best I can. But this pulls me away from my support system that I so DESPERATELY need right now.
3) I can go with it. Even though I feel so strongly that this is NOT the right decision.
So I do what I do best. I pray.
Dear LORD,
Give me the wisdom to see which path is right. Give me the strength to do what you see fit. Help me to discern what is a trial I need to go through to strengthen my faith and what is spiritual warfare. If this "bump" is just to knock Dusty and I off the path then give me the peace I will need to just "go with it." Lord, help me to follow your word and guidance.
Amen
Things are crazy right now. I feel like my head is just below the water right now. I can step on my tip toes most day and catch a breath but that is about it. School started Thursday and while we had a great first 2 days I feel that I am WAY behind. I always send out welcome cards to this kids before the first day. Not this year. I always call the parents the first day of school and let them know how the day went. Not this year. I always have my friendship game out the first day and to the second set of parents. Not this year.
And now, I am just beside myself. I am a rule follower. I like rules. I do NOT like to break the rules. And, I would never asked for the rules to be changed b/c of me. And yet, I feel as if that is just what I am doing. I am not one to "buck" the system or ask for special consideration. And yet, that is just what I want done. How can someone who so strongly believes in rules and policies want something like that to be changed or amended. I have a HUGE decision to make over the next few weeks. I am not really sure what the decision will be. I don't really like very many of the options.
1) I can walk away for a few years. (THIS IS NOT WHAT I WANT!!!)
2) I can step away for a while. Trying to keep plugged in as best I can. But this pulls me away from my support system that I so DESPERATELY need right now.
3) I can go with it. Even though I feel so strongly that this is NOT the right decision.
So I do what I do best. I pray.
Dear LORD,
Give me the wisdom to see which path is right. Give me the strength to do what you see fit. Help me to discern what is a trial I need to go through to strengthen my faith and what is spiritual warfare. If this "bump" is just to knock Dusty and I off the path then give me the peace I will need to just "go with it." Lord, help me to follow your word and guidance.
Amen
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Charlie's 6 year old room re-go
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
This weeks Manna
I know that this year 2011 is a year that God is stretching me. I have done more things outside of my comfort zone in this year than I ever thought possible. But I also know that he is working in me. He is working hard.
I always thought of myself as a pretty strong and self-sufficient person. I don't think I feel that way anymore. Dusty has been gone for 6 weeks of his 17 weeks of training. And for the first time in 10 years we have been apart. I grew up thinking that I would be the wife of a military man. I thought I could handle being by myself raising a family off and on while my husband took care of other things.
When I married Dusty I knew he was a family guy. I never knew how much of a family guy. He is the one that keeps me from being a work-a-holic. He is the one that wants us home and eating dinner together. He is the one that established family cuddle time. And I miss him terribly. I am just not good without him.
God is using this time to really work on me. My strength is to be in him and not in Dusty. I just thought that last week was hard. Thursday a student in my school lost his battle with Cancer. It was a very short battle. He was diagnosed the middle of May. He fought a hard and painful battle. After I picked up my kids that day from the sitter we went to Mardels. I was looking for a bible for C's birthday. In the bibles were two books of grief. I know that God placed them there. They were just shoved on the shelf like someone did not want to walk the three feet to put them back where they belonged but really they were placed there for me. I stood in the book section reading them crying. I must have been a sight because two ladies came over to make sure I was okay. How do you explain that you are fine when you don't feel or look okay?
I got home feeling just beat up. In the mailbox was an amazing note from a friend.
Dear Amy,
I hope that these verses will encourage you as they did me.
"He reached down from on high and took hold of me; He drew me out of deep waters. He rescued me from a powerful enemy, from my foes who were too strong for me. They confronted me in the day of my disaster but the Lord was my support. He brought me out into a spacious place; He rescued me because He delighted in me."
" You, O Lord, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light. With your help I can advance against a troop; with my God I can scale a wall as for God His way is perfect. The word of the Lord is flawless. He is a shield for all who take refuge in Him. For who is God besides the Lord? And who is the Rock expect our God? It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect. He makes my feel like the feet of a deer; He enables me to stand on the heights. He trains my hands for battle; my arms can bend a bow of bronze. You gave me your shield of victory, and your right hand sustains me; you stoop down to make me great. You broaden the path beneath me, so that my ankles do not turn." (Psalms 18:16-19, 28-36)
May he be your strength!
That was it. Two short sentences and all the strength and comfort I needed. My God is amazing! Is yours?
The next day when I shared this note with four fellow teachers, the literature teacher told me that the second set of verses was in the story that they middle school kids read for their summer reading. And I pray that these verses comfort them as well.
Today was his funeral. His parents seem so strong. I don't think I would have been able to do what they did. I felt like a basket case. And, I did not know this little guy well. I never had the pleasure of having him in class. I did have his younger sister. I saw the way he was with her. And, even in his death, he was encouraging others. He loved anything to do with the armor of God. The verse on his memory card was this
"Your strength must come from the LORD's mighty power within you. Put on all of God's Armor."
Ephesians 6:10-11
I can't do this alone. I won't be able to make it another 11 weeks. But with God, I will. He will be my strength. He is stretching me. Each day it seems as if I am being pushed further and further outside of my box. And yet with each terrifying step I take he shows me how much he goes before me. He shows me how much he is with me and that he will truly be my strength if I will let him.
I always thought of myself as a pretty strong and self-sufficient person. I don't think I feel that way anymore. Dusty has been gone for 6 weeks of his 17 weeks of training. And for the first time in 10 years we have been apart. I grew up thinking that I would be the wife of a military man. I thought I could handle being by myself raising a family off and on while my husband took care of other things.
When I married Dusty I knew he was a family guy. I never knew how much of a family guy. He is the one that keeps me from being a work-a-holic. He is the one that wants us home and eating dinner together. He is the one that established family cuddle time. And I miss him terribly. I am just not good without him.
God is using this time to really work on me. My strength is to be in him and not in Dusty. I just thought that last week was hard. Thursday a student in my school lost his battle with Cancer. It was a very short battle. He was diagnosed the middle of May. He fought a hard and painful battle. After I picked up my kids that day from the sitter we went to Mardels. I was looking for a bible for C's birthday. In the bibles were two books of grief. I know that God placed them there. They were just shoved on the shelf like someone did not want to walk the three feet to put them back where they belonged but really they were placed there for me. I stood in the book section reading them crying. I must have been a sight because two ladies came over to make sure I was okay. How do you explain that you are fine when you don't feel or look okay?
I got home feeling just beat up. In the mailbox was an amazing note from a friend.
Dear Amy,
I hope that these verses will encourage you as they did me.
"He reached down from on high and took hold of me; He drew me out of deep waters. He rescued me from a powerful enemy, from my foes who were too strong for me. They confronted me in the day of my disaster but the Lord was my support. He brought me out into a spacious place; He rescued me because He delighted in me."
" You, O Lord, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light. With your help I can advance against a troop; with my God I can scale a wall as for God His way is perfect. The word of the Lord is flawless. He is a shield for all who take refuge in Him. For who is God besides the Lord? And who is the Rock expect our God? It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect. He makes my feel like the feet of a deer; He enables me to stand on the heights. He trains my hands for battle; my arms can bend a bow of bronze. You gave me your shield of victory, and your right hand sustains me; you stoop down to make me great. You broaden the path beneath me, so that my ankles do not turn." (Psalms 18:16-19, 28-36)
May he be your strength!
That was it. Two short sentences and all the strength and comfort I needed. My God is amazing! Is yours?
The next day when I shared this note with four fellow teachers, the literature teacher told me that the second set of verses was in the story that they middle school kids read for their summer reading. And I pray that these verses comfort them as well.
Today was his funeral. His parents seem so strong. I don't think I would have been able to do what they did. I felt like a basket case. And, I did not know this little guy well. I never had the pleasure of having him in class. I did have his younger sister. I saw the way he was with her. And, even in his death, he was encouraging others. He loved anything to do with the armor of God. The verse on his memory card was this
"Your strength must come from the LORD's mighty power within you. Put on all of God's Armor."
Ephesians 6:10-11
I can't do this alone. I won't be able to make it another 11 weeks. But with God, I will. He will be my strength. He is stretching me. Each day it seems as if I am being pushed further and further outside of my box. And yet with each terrifying step I take he shows me how much he goes before me. He shows me how much he is with me and that he will truly be my strength if I will let him.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Fighting the dragon
"That is a fire extinguisher."
"Why that for?"
"That is to put out a fire."
"You have it by the dragon in case his fire not pretend?"
What a great mind he has! I never even put two and two together. I just laughed. When Charlie got home he had to show her how the fire extinguisher is "to make the dragon not have fire. But it is not for play with."
Friday, July 22, 2011
Manna
This week has been a very difficult week. I know it is going to be silly to most. My difficult is that I am painting my daughter's bedroom. This should be a blessing. Dusty was out of work for 6 weeks and yet we still had the money to pay bills and repaint C's room. I thought that I was having difficulty because I am not a very good "big" painter. I am MUCH better an the little details than the big picture. I always leave steaks and never seem to get very good coverage.
But, as I put the first stroke of primer over the previous walls I began to sob. Not the silent cry where tears run down my cheek. No, racking sobs where I couldn't wipe away the tears. I kept telling myself that I was being ridiculous. I know that Charlie is getting older and I need to just knock it off. But, then this little voice inside me said, "This has NOTHING to do with Charlie." And the voice was right. Really what I was sobbing over was not the cute little rock or that my "baby" was not a baby any more. No, what I was sobbing about was the relationships lost. It made sense to me at 1 am. And, the next day, it makes even more sense.
I have been thinking a lot lately about God's provision. I am reading in Exodus. And each day the Israelites are presented with Manna. These last few months have been this way for me. (Okay, who I am kidding? If I were truthful it has been this way my whole life I was just not "aware" of it.)
My Manna is not a physical food miraculously supplied in the wilderness. My manna instead comes in the form of different things.
On Monday, my manna was a very dear friend talking with me and doing a bible study with me. A study that is challenging me to believe that God is who he says he is and that I am who he says I am.
On Tuesday, my manna was a different friend calling to "chat" and during this conversation she let me know that my "ridiculous" feelings this week was grief. Grief for loss of things that did not turn out the way I had them planned in my mind (I'll get back to this.)
On Wednesday, my manna was in a third friend letting me know that she likes me enough to spend an evening with just me.
On Thursday, my manna came in praying with a fourth friend and in the form of two amazing women's heart. Loretta and Valery host a bible study on Thursday evening. They are following God's call for their lives in opening their home and hearts to what God has on theirs and sharing with others. I went to study wiped out. I have cried a LOT this week. And I have chastised myself b/c I am being silly. At study this week we did not have anything to prepare ahead of time. Instead, we were going to meditate on God's word. One verse in God's word. We mediated on Titus 3:5 "He saved us, not because of righteous things we have done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit,"
It seems that I will forever struggle with the "I am not good enough" mentality. And in all reality I am not good enough. God saved me because of his mercy and love for no other reason.
So, back to why I was crying. I began to realize with each stroke that I was crying for the loss of the two ladies that helped me paint the room in the first place. I think painting the room was one of the last things that we did together. For a period of about 3 years we did so much together. We were close. I heard my friends voice. "You know what you are feeling is grief." The brush went up. Another voice, "You are always losing friends." The brush went down. I will never leave you. The brush went up. "You can never keep friends." Faces flashed through my head. Jenny, Stacia, Lanny, Teresa, Amanda, Jessica, Stephanie, Lori, Amy, Jana, Leslee, Mistie, Christian, Sarah. I will never leave you.
A verse I have been memorizing for Beth Moore's scriputre memory popped into my head. Deuteronomy 31:8 "the LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."
As I painted I mediated on that verse through the tears. The LORD goes before. Each of those wonderful ladies have been amazing to me. I still pray for and think each of them from time to time. Most, I keep up with their lives on facebook. Some, I am still blessed to enjoy a face to face meeting with. Each of these ladies were placed in my life to teach me something. Each lady has a place in my heart. And, each of them were in my life for a "time." I will never leave you. But, it is GOD that will never leave me.
Lord, thank you so much for using Loretta and Valery to teach me to mediate on scripture. I have never enjoyed painting like I did last night. I am so blessed that YOU will never leave me. You are my constant. Many times you will send people to me. Friends that will be in my life for a time. But it is you who will be with me always It is you who provides my manna. Continue to make me aware each day what your manna is for me. Use me as manna in the lives of others. Allow me to be a true friend.
Amen
I have been thinking a lot lately about God's provision. I am reading in Exodus. And each day the Israelites are presented with Manna. These last few months have been this way for me. (Okay, who I am kidding? If I were truthful it has been this way my whole life I was just not "aware" of it.)
My Manna is not a physical food miraculously supplied in the wilderness. My manna instead comes in the form of different things.
On Monday, my manna was a very dear friend talking with me and doing a bible study with me. A study that is challenging me to believe that God is who he says he is and that I am who he says I am.
On Tuesday, my manna was a different friend calling to "chat" and during this conversation she let me know that my "ridiculous" feelings this week was grief. Grief for loss of things that did not turn out the way I had them planned in my mind (I'll get back to this.)
On Wednesday, my manna was in a third friend letting me know that she likes me enough to spend an evening with just me.
On Thursday, my manna came in praying with a fourth friend and in the form of two amazing women's heart. Loretta and Valery host a bible study on Thursday evening. They are following God's call for their lives in opening their home and hearts to what God has on theirs and sharing with others. I went to study wiped out. I have cried a LOT this week. And I have chastised myself b/c I am being silly. At study this week we did not have anything to prepare ahead of time. Instead, we were going to meditate on God's word. One verse in God's word. We mediated on Titus 3:5 "He saved us, not because of righteous things we have done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit,"
It seems that I will forever struggle with the "I am not good enough" mentality. And in all reality I am not good enough. God saved me because of his mercy and love for no other reason.
So, back to why I was crying. I began to realize with each stroke that I was crying for the loss of the two ladies that helped me paint the room in the first place. I think painting the room was one of the last things that we did together. For a period of about 3 years we did so much together. We were close. I heard my friends voice. "You know what you are feeling is grief." The brush went up. Another voice, "You are always losing friends." The brush went down. I will never leave you. The brush went up. "You can never keep friends." Faces flashed through my head. Jenny, Stacia, Lanny, Teresa, Amanda, Jessica, Stephanie, Lori, Amy, Jana, Leslee, Mistie, Christian, Sarah. I will never leave you.
A verse I have been memorizing for Beth Moore's scriputre memory popped into my head. Deuteronomy 31:8 "the LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."
As I painted I mediated on that verse through the tears. The LORD goes before. Each of those wonderful ladies have been amazing to me. I still pray for and think each of them from time to time. Most, I keep up with their lives on facebook. Some, I am still blessed to enjoy a face to face meeting with. Each of these ladies were placed in my life to teach me something. Each lady has a place in my heart. And, each of them were in my life for a "time." I will never leave you. But, it is GOD that will never leave me.
Lord, thank you so much for using Loretta and Valery to teach me to mediate on scripture. I have never enjoyed painting like I did last night. I am so blessed that YOU will never leave me. You are my constant. Many times you will send people to me. Friends that will be in my life for a time. But it is you who will be with me always It is you who provides my manna. Continue to make me aware each day what your manna is for me. Use me as manna in the lives of others. Allow me to be a true friend.
Amen
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Freckles
I love how God uses my precious daughter to make sure that I am listening to him.
Today I was reading in Deuteronomy.
For you are a people holy to the LORD your God. The LORD your God has chosen you out of all the peoples on the face of the earth to be his people, his treasured possession.
Deuteronomy 7:6
I am thinking about this. Charlie be-bops up. "Hey mom, you know what I am going to ask God when I get to heaven? I am going to ask him how many freckles you have. He will know that one for sure, won't he?"
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