Letting Go and Letting God

I wonder if there will ever be a time when I truly let go?  I wonder if there will ever be a moment in time where my voiced faith is my actual heart felt faith and not just my mouth trying to convince my brain to obey.  I am one of those "control" freaks.  I love to help others.  But I hate to let others know that I am not doing okay.  I am working on that.  Well,  July 2012 has been another crazy "Hey Amy, I am not done teaching you to let me have control time."

 I am like most women.  I am like most mothers.  I let my own health be the last thing that takes priority.  Part of it is time.  Part of it is laziness. And part of it I blame on my mom.  Not in a  bad way. (I will explain this later). 

So, Let's start with the "planned" of this summer.  In 2006, I discovered a cyst on my right wrist. In fall of 2007, Dusty and I decided that I would have surgery in summer of 2008.  Well, we got pregnant with Brantley and there just never seemed to be a good time.  This past May, I really started having some issues with the cyst, so this summer was the summer to have it removed.  Knowing that "MOM" is going to be down for a few weeks is always hard.  It is very difficult to plan that.  There never seems to be  good time.  The week of July 4th seemed to be as good as any.  So, July 2nd I had my surgery.  Everything went great. 

Until on the next day, Dusty headed to work on his scooter without his helmet.  His back tire blew out and down he went.  Now, here is the kicker.  I am a safety girl.  Notice that he was NOT wearing his helmet.  This was a stipulation of getting the said scooter.  So,  I was VERY mad (I think there is still a little bit of me that is still angry but I am working on that).  Dusty was taken from the scene in the ambulance to OU trauma.  They thought he had a skull fracture.  He had major abrasions down his right arm on his right hand his left foot, his right toe,  a huge bruise on his butt, and two staples in his head.  He had a concussion but no skull fracture.  In the grand scheme of motorcycle wrecks God protected Dusty.  The kids stayed with Dusty's parents for a few days.  People from church provided meals for about five days even though I really did not think we needed them (we did). I wasn't thinking about having to clean up the kitchen after cooking.  Neither one of us could have done that over the weekend. 

Then on Sunday, the kids came home and Dusty went with the guys from work camping.  Me.  I should have been doing fine.  My kids were home.  My husband was alive and safe.  I was fuming. I  was so mad. I could not even see straight.  And on top of that I could not sleep.  Well that is okay, because this is not the end of God's lesson.  While Dusty was away I found something. Something that stopped me dead in my tracks. 

I found a lump on my left breast.  Here I was thinking about my idiot husband who could not be "bothered" enough to think about his family and wear his helmet off repelling with his buddies while having a concussion.  How could I trust that he would keep my kids safe?  My husband who is slowly beginning to show his faith.  My husband who I love dearly but am still so incredibly mad at. And I find a lump.  Now let me tell you a little bit about my personality.  I am not Chicken Little.  I do not think that the Sky is falling. I think that I can survive the Sky falling I know that God will get me through it and that I have the strength and the tenacity to do it but I also plan for the fact that when the sky falls the entire world will be completely and utterly destroyed.  Yes folks, I am a pessimist. 

So, I prepared for the worst.  I began worrying about my children.  What was I going to do when I died and my children had no one to pray for them?  See I knew that Dusty would get them to school. Dusty would love them.  He might remember to make them do their homework. He might remember to have them put on their seatbelt (bike helmelts I was not so sure).  But reading hte Bible, praying iwth them...that was where I was worried.  That is what I did.  He did not do those things.  I knew he would take them to church. I knew he would make sure that they went to Awana.  But would he read the Bible with them?  Would he pray with them?  Would he talk about God the way I do?  Who would keep my family focuses on God when I was not there?

See what I mean...My world was falling apart!  Dusty was back from his trip.  I and sat quite not sharing my nightmare (he was not happy when I finally did).  But God took care of me like he always does.  A friend just happened to drop a book off at my house.  She had no idea how much I truly needed the words inside the pages.  Thank you God that she listened to your still small voice that prompted her to drop it off.  Jesus Calling by Sarah Young.

These are the Words I heard over the next few days...in the wee hours of the night when I could not sleep.  I love how God keeps me awake till 4 am when there is no noise and I can find no other distractions but him.

"Stop worrying long enough to hear my voice."

Deuteronomy 30:20
and that you may love the Lord your God, listen to his voice, and hold fast to him. For the Lord is your life,

"Sit Quitely in my presence."

"I know the worst about you, but I also see the best in you."

John 15:13  Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.

"Worship me only.  The Light of my Presence is brilliant and everlasting. "

2 Samuel 22:29
You are my lamp, O Lord;
    the Lord turns my darkness into light.

"Whenever you feel distant from me, whisper my Name "Jesus" in loving trust"

John 16:24
Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete.

"Fix your gaze on me.

"Though the path is difficult and the scenery dull at the moment, there are sparking surpirses just around the bend."

"DO NOT WORRY ABOUT TOMORROW! This is not a suggestion, but a command.   When you worry about the future, you heap day upon day of troubles onto your flimsy frame. My grace is sufficient for you."

"Your only hope is to look up and see the Light of My Presence shinning down on you."

"Come away with me for awhile."

And so I have. I have come away with Him. I have spent a good two weeks in His word.

I have been to countless doctors. I called my OB on Monday after finding the lump.  They had an appointment first thing on Wednesday morning.  I went to that appointment.  While there I just kind of fell apart.  I told her about all my worries.  I have been very short tempered with my kids.  (She switched my anxiety meds that my regular doctor put me on in December.)   We talked about my fear of skin cancer with a few freckles looking different then they have in years past.  She put those fears to rest and gave me referrals for a dermatologist for that.  We talked about my constant headaches. How long have the been happening.  Well, I thought they were stress due to everything from last year and depression but they are still not going away so maybe a year.  Yes, dear readers you read that right. I have been having headaches/migraines almost every day for over a year and have done nothing about it.  Why?  Two reasons  1- My mother has severe migraines and for years I have watched her work with headaches. I understand that my situation is different but I feel silly going to the doctor knowing that she does not.  2-Who has the time to be sick when it is just a headache and I can still work?

So, she sent me to a neurologist.  I am not on meds for my headaches.  Because of my family history I am to treat all headaches as migraines.  In about a week I should see a difference. I am already seeing a little release.  I did not have a headache today until around 3. I did not realize how incredible it is to go through a day without your head not hurting. 

She also sent me to have a mammogram and ultrasound done.  Dusty took off work and came with me.  For the first time in my life I was glad to hear that I am "fat." It made my mammogram easy to read and it was negative.  Everything is okay.  There is nothing to worry about.

We had a long heart to heart talk.  He was mad at me. (And he had every right to be)  I am not to leave him out of something like that.  He also blew me away.  We talked.  I mean really talked.  He asked if his wreck was a good thing. I, of course, said no.  He said yes.  Yes, because it made someone go buy a helmet. He said that "everything that happens happens for good.  We may not know what that good is but it happens for good to come of it."  Without knowing it, my husband was quoting scripture.  
Romans 8:28
[ More Than Conquerors ] And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
 We talked about what would happened if something did happened to me.  He promised to make sure to read the Bible with the kids, to pray with the kids, to talk about God more instead of just leaving it up to me. 

So, once again, I am stepping out in faith.  I feel that God is pushing. No, not pushing but shoving me out of my comfort zone. I feel like he is calling me to lead a bible study called A Mom After God's Own Heart by Elizabeth George at church this fall.  If you happen to think about it over the next few months, pray that God will continue to give the courage to follow his voice. That he will continue to keep me awake into the wee hours of the morning to hear his voice when all else is quiet.

Petal Fairyland Map

This one was a little harder to do.  Way more detail.  I hope she likes it!

$4 Fun

What do you do when you find  a package of adhesive mustaches for $3.99?  You buy them of course!

I "mustache" you a question!

 I "mustache" you a question!

 I "mustache" you a question!

Don't I just have the most adorable silliest kids EVER?
They ran around the house for two days with mustaches telling me.
I "mustache" you a question!  Do you love me?
YES!!! Yes I love these two crazy kids!  It was well worth $4.
I "mustache" you a question.
How do you spend $4?

Goals for my kids

We have been reading Sheparding a Child's heart.  This week we read about the goals we have while raising our children.  I never really thought about it in those terms before.  I think up until this point my "goal" in raising my kids has been this.  I want my children to know God and get through childhood with as few "scars" as possible.  I guess that is not really one of the best goals.  I think this will be my new goal. 
2 Timothy 1:5  I have been reminded of your sincere faith, which first lived in your grandmother Lois and in your mother Eunice, and I am persuaded, now lives in you also. 
That really boils down to the goals that I have for my children.  I want the to KNOW God. To trust him.  To have a faith that can not be swade. Do I want them to be respectful, obedient, successful, loving, kind, smart (in problem solving and logic not necessarily in 4.0 GPA)?  Of course but I think that above all else, I want them to have a faith that will get them through life.  I want them to know that in God is comfort. I want them to know that in God is strength.  I want them to know that in God is life!
What are your goals for your kids?

Rainbow fairy play map

I have been having a blast painting fairy land.  I really don't think I am super talented but I do think I have done a pretty good job.  I copied the map out of  the front of the rainbow fairy book.  I took the map to school and made an overhead.  I traced the overhead onto a sheet (1/8 th of the sheet).  And then I painted.  I don't think I did too bad a job.  Don't laugh at my cows!  What do you think for scene number one for books 1-7 the Rainbow magic fairies?  I hope she like it!

10 Reasons

I was reminded this evening that without the stories my children have given me I would probably lead a VERY boring life.  I do think that is true, so in honor of my spunky kids...
10 Reasons I love Charlie
1.  She loves to be girly.  (Drives me crazy but I love to give her special little gifts that I know she will love.)
2.   She sees magic and wonder in EVERY LITTLE detail of the world, like Florida having straight tall trees.
3. She LOVES God and isn't afraid to let everyone know who he is and what he has done for them.
4.  She more than not points me to Christ reminding me that I am missing something but does it in a manner that really isn't rude and disrespectful but honest. 
5.  She has the BEST laugh.
6.  She loves to do special things for others to let them know that she loves them.
7.  She listens.  I mean really listens to what you are saying.
8.  She loves stories.  Not the ones found in books but the other ones, the oral ones about life. 
9.  She really takes to heart correction. She has such a repentant heart.
10.  She is mine!  All mine. She is creative, fisty, friendly, and I just LOVE her to pieces.

10 Reasons I love Brantley
1.  He LOVES life. 
2.  He loves to help (pick up toys, do dishes, sweep, mop, laundry.  He is going to make a great husband someday.)
3.  He says "Hey mom, I love you."  As he dashes out the door.  I am praying that I get random "Hey mom I love you" calls when he is an adult.
4.  He LOVES his sister.
5.  He loves to laugh.
6.  He sings EVERYTHING!  He knows the words to every song no matter if he has heard it   a 100 times or 1 time and ALL styles of music.
7. He says " I am going to put this in my music bucket mom." about anything that makes a sound.  He loves to bang things together or move them just so to get a sound out of them.
8. He just likes to be with the ones he loves.  To the point of suffocation at times, but, I love that he loves me!
9.  He likes to play the "I don't love you game." Which when he first began playing it I had no idea.  He says "I don't love you."  I say "That's okay, I love you enough for both of us."  He giggles, then he says "Now you say it."  I tell him "I am not going to tell you that I do not love you.  I don't every want you to think that it might be true."  He laughs and says "Yep you love me nuf for boff of us."
10.  He is mine!  And as I am writing this I got to thinking yes, he is all fast and loud and doesn't seem to know how to slow down.  I should have gotten some kind of warning from that while I was pregnant. Any time something with a beat (music) came on he would begin to turn summer saults.  His delivery was 3 hours start to stop.  He came before the bed was prepped.  He came before the doctor was in the hospital.  He came in just enough time for the nurse to catch him as she came in the door.  Why would I not think that he would live his life hard and fast. 

Rainbow fairies

 Charlie loves the Rainbow Magic Fairy books.  We have read a total of 21 books so far.  For Charlie, they are great stories.  For me, not so much.  They are all the same.  Jack Frost (the bad guy) steals something and hides it.  The girls (Rachel and Kirsty) must go find it and return it to the fairies.  But, Charlie LOVES them.  So, I encourage her and her imagination.  She made these adorable fairies all by herself with help of my scrapbook supplies.  These are the rainbow fairies. 

 We have a total of 6 sets of books: rainbow, jewel, magical animal, night, petal and sport.  Each set  has a map in the front cover that shows where the story takes place.  I am going to try and make a play mat for each of the different maps.  I am trying to decide if I want to paint them on a sheet or make them out of felt.

Either one is going to take a while.  I am leaning more and more towards the sheet.  I think I will make them each as big as a poster board so that she can lay them on the floor to facilitate play.