Manna

This week has been a very difficult week.  I know it is going to be silly to most.  My difficult is that I am painting my daughter's bedroom.  This should be a blessing.  Dusty was out of work for 6 weeks and yet we still had the money to pay bills and  repaint C's room.  I thought that I was having difficulty because I am not a very good "big" painter.  I am MUCH better an the little details than the big picture.  I always leave steaks and never seem to get very good coverage.

But, as I put the first stroke of primer over the previous walls I began to sob.  Not the silent cry where tears run down my cheek.  No, racking sobs where I couldn't wipe away the tears.  I  kept telling myself that I was being ridiculous.  I know that Charlie is getting older and I need to just knock it off.  But, then this little voice inside me said, "This has NOTHING to do with Charlie."  And the voice was right.  Really what I was sobbing over was not the cute little rock or that my "baby" was not a baby any more.  No, what I was sobbing about was the relationships lost.  It made sense to me at 1 am.  And, the next day, it makes even more sense.

I have been thinking a lot lately about God's provision.  I am reading in Exodus.  And  each day the Israelites are presented with Manna.  These last few months have been this way for me.  (Okay, who I am kidding?  If I were truthful it has been this way my whole life I was just not "aware" of it.)
My Manna is not a physical food miraculously supplied in the wilderness.  My manna instead comes in the form of different things.

On Monday, my manna was a very dear friend talking with me and doing a bible study with me.  A study that is challenging me to believe that God is who he says he is and that I am who he says I am.   

On Tuesday, my manna was a different friend calling to "chat" and during this conversation she let me know that my "ridiculous" feelings this week was grief.  Grief for loss of things that did not turn out the way I had them planned in my mind (I'll get back to this.)

On Wednesday, my manna was in a third friend letting me know that she likes me enough to spend an evening with just me.

On Thursday, my manna came in praying with a fourth friend and in the form of two amazing women's heart.  Loretta and Valery host a bible study on Thursday evening.  They are following God's call for their lives in opening their home and hearts to what God has on theirs and sharing with others.   I went to study wiped out.  I have cried a LOT this week.  And I have chastised myself b/c I am being silly.  At study this week we did not have anything to prepare ahead of time.  Instead, we were going to meditate on God's word.  One verse in God's word.   We mediated on Titus 3:5 "He saved us, not because of righteous things we have done, but because of his mercy.  He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit,"
It seems that I will forever struggle with the "I am not good enough" mentality.  And in all reality I am not good enough.  God saved me because of his mercy and love for no other reason.

So, back to why I was crying.  I began to realize with each stroke that I was crying for the loss of the two ladies that helped me paint the room in the first place.  I think painting the room was one of the last things that we did together.  For a period of about 3 years we did so much together.  We were close.  I heard my friends voice.  "You know what you are feeling is grief."  The brush went up.  Another voice, "You are always losing friends."  The brush went down.  I will never leave you. The brush went up.  "You can never keep friends."  Faces flashed through my head.  Jenny, Stacia, Lanny, Teresa, Amanda, Jessica, Stephanie, Lori, Amy, Jana, Leslee, Mistie, Christian, Sarah.  I will never leave you.  


A verse I have been memorizing for Beth Moore's scriputre memory popped into my head.  Deuteronomy 31:8 "the LORD himself goes before you and will be with you;  he will never leave you nor forsake you.  Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."

As I painted I mediated on that verse through the tears.  The LORD goes before.  Each of those wonderful ladies have been amazing to me.  I still pray for and think each of them from time to time.  Most, I keep up with their lives on facebook.  Some, I am still blessed to enjoy a face to face meeting with.  Each of these ladies were placed in my life to teach me something.  Each lady has a place in my heart.  And, each of them were in my life for a "time." I will never leave you.  But, it is GOD that will never leave me.  


Lord, thank you so much for using Loretta and Valery to teach me to mediate on scripture.  I have never enjoyed painting like I did last night.  I am so blessed that YOU will never leave me.  You are my constant.  Many times you will send people to me.  Friends that will be in my life for a time.  But it is you who will be with me always  It is you who provides my manna.  Continue to make me aware each day what your  manna is for me.  Use me as manna in the lives of others.  Allow me to be a true friend.  
Amen