Made Her

Since this has become my "journal" you might want to skip this one. I have just been a bit contemplative today. Actually that should read selfish and self-centered. I was talking with a new friend this evening about God. I love to talk about God and yet I don't find myself doing it very often unless it is with Charlie. Tina did most of the talking this evening (thank you God for being faithful and answering my prayer to listen more and talk less.). She has a daughter Jenna that was diagnosed about a year ago with autism. Jenna is nine I have not yet met her. Tina is struggling in finding answers. Why Jenna is the way she is? Will she be able to raise Jenna the way that God wants her to? Why Emily? (You are probably thinking the same thing I was. Who is Emily? Like I said this is a new friend.) Emily was the little girl that she miscarried within the last year but had to give birth to. And why the others? She has had 3 other miscarriages. I had no idea what to say. The only thing I could do is say that God will only give us what we can handle with him. That is WITH HIM. It always makes me mad when people say "God has a plan. It was for the best. She is with God now." I have never had a miscarriage but I don't think any of these things would help me. During our conversation I talked a little bit about how last year I decided that I was tired of always being the one to contact my friends and family. (anyone that I pester on a regular basis please do not take offense to this. It is not to bring you any harm or feelings of guilt. )I spoke of how I hate always being the one to call people. I want someone to think about me and call me out of the blue. I want to have someone want to have me over for dinner to spend time with me. I am so glad that we had this conversation because God spoke with me.

BUT YOU ARE GOOD AT THIS.

I don't want to be good at this.

BUT YOU ARE GOOD AT THIS.

I don't want to be good at this Lord. I want to know that someone loves me.

I MADE HER A LITTLE BIT MORE LONESOME THAN SHE WOULD LIKE

I don't want to be lonesome! (Can you hear the foot stomp that accompanied this one?)

I MADE HER A LITTLE MORE LONESOME THAN SHE WOULD LIKE TO BE... ONLY BECAUSE I NEED FOR HER TO LEARN AND DEPEND ON ME....

Oh! The light came on. It has only taken 13 years for me to get this. I battle loneliness. Not depression, loneliness. When I am lonely I pray more. Thank you Lord for making me a little more lonesome than I would like to be.

I got this poem my freshman year at OBU. One of the girls at the BSU gave it to me. I have no idea who wrote it but I will continue to read it from time to time.

MADE HER

I made her... she is different. She's unique. With love I formed her in her mother's womb. I fashioned her with great joy. I remember, with great pleasure, the day I created her. (Psalms 139:13-16)

I love her smile. I love her ways. I love to hear her laugh. And the silly things she says and does. She brings me great pleasure. This is how I made her. (Psalms 139:17)

I made her pretty and not beautiful. Because I knew her hear. And she would be vain... I wanted her to search out her heart, and to learn that it would be ME in her that would make her beautiful... and it would be ME in her that would draw friends to her. (1 Peter 3:3-5)

I made her in such a way, that she would need me. I made her a little more lonesome than she would like to be... only because I need her to learn and depend on me... I know her heart, I know if I had not make her like this she would go her own chosen way and forget ME... her Creator. (Psalms 62:5-8)

I have given her many good and happy things... because I love her. (Psalms 84:11, Romans 8:23)

Many times she has stumbled and fallen alone. Only because she would not hold my Hand. So many lessons she's learned the hard way because she would not listen to My Voice... (Isaiah 53:6)

So many times I have set back and sadly watched her go her merry way alone. Only to watch her return to My Arms, sad and broken. (Isaiah 62:2)

And now she is mine again... I made her, and I bought her... because I love her. (Romans 5:8)

I have to reshape and remold her... To renew her to what I had planned for her to be. It has not been easy for her or for me. (Jeremiah 29:11)

I want her to be conformed to My Image... this high goal I have set for her. Because I love her. (2 Corinthians 2:14)

Thank the Lord that he is patient and loving! It has only taken me 31 years to get it. I hope I remember.