The Power of God

I struggle with abandonment issues and depression. I struggle with feeling unworthy and not "good" enough. These are things that have been battles for years upon years. But "THIS" time it has been different. I have been a believer since Jan 19, 1987. I was 9 years old sitting on a basketball court in the middle of a church gym on Yokota Air Force in Japan when I accepted Christ. (Praise God for the Awana program) And yet, even being a believer I have struggled with depression. I have struggled with worthlessness and loneliness. The devil has been working on me. I have felt like that kid in the lunch room who doesn't know where to sit at the lunch table during faculty meetings (really I am 33 I need to get over this). I have felt unwanted with people won't accept my "friend" request on facebook--again, I am 33 I need to get over this. I have felt left out when friends have told others things and not me--I am 33. I need to get over this. I have felt friendless b/c I could not come up with a person that I would call if some crisis hit. I have felt friendless when friends won't call or email back or cancel on me b/c of the busyness of life. I have felt lonely when I overhear friends talking about getting together and not getting an invitation as well. But this time, it was different. This time the lonelier I felt the more I turned to God. The more I sang up with the radio (KLove). The more I read my bible. The more I prayed. The more I talked with my kids about his faithfulness, his love, his provision. And yet, the loneliness grew to the point that I just did not know where to turn or what to do...And the God who has been there all along took over. He showed himself. He showed his true faithfulness. The faithfulness that has kept me alive. Two weeks ago my Faith Sisters assignment was my Testimony. I don't know that I have ever given my testimony. I have never written it down. So I have been working on it, (still not finished). I have a layout and a place for my journaling but I have not finished that part. During this time my mother-in-law offered to take the kids for a weekend. I had nothing to do. I did what I always do when I have the opportunity to scrapbook. I sent an e-mail (facebook) to my friends that scrapbook and invited them over. Come scrapbook or come do what ever just come.

I had three friends show up. The secretary at my school, the parent of an old student, and my college roommate (I had a few but she is always the one that I consider my roommate from college). And throughout the night I felt God's comfort. I felt his provision. At the end of the night, when it was just Leslee and I we talked. We laughed. We cried. We prayed. And, I felt loneliness no more. I felt the Power of MY God. God put me with this amazing women 15 years ago. We lived together less than 2 years and yet, she is one of my very best friends. We do not speak as often as I would like. And yet, when we do... I think the thing I miss most about living with her was our Sunday night prayer sessions. (And, she is the only one that understands that I do not like to talk to ANYONE first thing in the morning.)

And then, as if last night was not enough of God's power and faithfulness, this morning in Church he gave even more confirmation. The worship music was just that...my time to lift God up and to worship him. We are studying the book of Jeremiah (one of my favorite books). Two verses jumped out at me. Jeremiah 42:3 "So pray that the LORD your God will tell us where we should go and what we should do." This spoke volumes of confirmation to me about what I have been doing all summer and what I will continue to do. Pray to MY God that He will show me where to go and what to do. And the second Jeremiah 42:10-12 "If you will stay in Judah, I will build you up and not tear you down. I will plant you and not pull you up, because I sad about the disaster I brought on you. Now you fear the king of Babylon but don't be afraid of him. Don't be afraid of him, says the Lord, because I am with you. I will save you and rescue you from his power. I will be kind to you, and he will also treat you with mercy and let you stay in your land ." To me: Amy, if you will stay in the WORD, I will build you up & not tear you down. I am sad about the disaster (abandonment issues, depression, loneliness, self worth issues) I brought on you. Now you fear the (fill in anyone of those which all equal the devil) but don't be afraid of him. DON'T BE AFRIAD of him. I AM WITH YOU. I WILL rescue you.

And, as if this was not enough to show his faithfulness a friend followed me out of the church building to check on me to make sure that I was okay. I sure I must look a mess. I feel like I have cried all day b/c of my overwhelming sense that God is with me and he is faithful. Praise YE the LORD.