November

I can not believe that I am actually getting to post November things in November. I have just felt out of it lately. I didn't do all the things that I normally do with the kids in October and because of that I have been down on myself. We usually go to the pumpkin patch, haunt the zoo, storybook forest and carve a pumpkin. This year I just didn't have the time, money or motivation. Because of it I am beating myself up. I know that in five years it is not going to matter but it matters to me. I want my kids to remember that I did fun things with them. I want them to know that they were loved and that I spent time with them. Charlie has gotten really good at making me feel like a horrible mom. I know that years from now it will not matter. I want to be a parent and not a friend but let me tell you her "prayers" have been pretty painful lately. Things like "Please make my mommy not yell at me. I don't like it when she yells." (conviction) "Why does my mommy always ignore me and not pay attention to me? She is always doing laundry or dishes or on the computer." (conviction) But the night she said this prayer I was not checking email or playing on facebook. I was making the clues to a scavenger hunt and putting the activities together for her advent calendar. And, she was watching Charlie Brown. That kid loves tv. But that didn't make it any less convicting. I know that she does not mean for these prayers to be heard (and if she does, I'm in big trouble) but it doesn't make them any less biting. I need to get thicker skin I guess.